Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah Edition

1. Tony Snow's first White House Press briefing raised a few eyebrows today when the ultra white, completely out of touch, former FOX News denizen used the phrase "hug a tarbaby", which at one point in a forgettable era of American history referred to an inextricable situation, but obviously is also a blatant racist slur that hasn't been used for decades. When asked later what in the hell was wrong with him, the "Snowman" pointed to the A/V guy in the back and cued up the theme music from Disney's "Song of the South" and ended his first day on the job with a poignant, "No more questions, bitches!"
2. One day after raising eyebrows with the phrase "hug a tar baby," the new White House Press Secretary continued to disturb the American people when he noted that he "really screwed the pooch" by guaranteeing that the Senate would pass a controversial immigration reform bill. When asked about this latest unfortunate phrasing, Mr. Snow apologized for any confusion his remarks may have caused and that as a reporter one often has to resort to clicheed soundbites to make a point. He then added, "Am I right? Where my n***as at? Helen Thomas, you're with me right?"
3. "So anyway, there's me, Ari Fleischer, and Scott McClellan at dinner. Those two figured they'd take me out, give me the lay of the land, pointers on how to dodge questions from Helen Thomas, y'know. So, anyway, the bill comes, which is all well and good, except Fleischer totally Jews out on his split. Something about knowing the wholesale price of salmon and reducing the tip to account for the overcharging or something. Then McClellan, drunk Irish bastard, can't find his damn wallet or something, so guess who gets stuck with the bill? That's right, me. Anyway, I'm sorry, Mr. Gregory, your question was about immigration reform, right? Yes, the President feels it's very important that we place more border security out there to stop the flow of wetbacks into our country until we can figure out what to do with the ones already here."
4. Tony Snow continued his stellar performance as Scott "DrunkMick" McClellan's replacement when he announced today that Bush's infamous telephone logs were being flagged now for "towelhead jibber jabber" and that only "sand niggers" would be subject to any untoward scrutiny. At that point in the press conference, Helen Thomas threw down her note-taking materials and stormed out. Snow was overheard to say, "That bitch is always PMSing. She needs to get laid. Of course she's spin it like rape, like my wife does, but that's what them bitches do."

Prize-Winning Bass Big Edition

1. "Mr. President, could you please show us how big the problems in the Middle East have gotten under your administration?"
   
2. The Bush Administration and the world-famous wax museum, Madame Tussauds, have teamed up to provide realistic models of senior citizens for the President's now widely ignored Social Security publicity tour. Officials close to the President said that the move to use wax replicas of the elderly was prompted by one too many hand-bag beat downs.
   

That Joke Isn't Funny Anymore Edition

In a shockingly unprecedented turn of events, President Bush this morning made a highly controversial nomination of a possibly unqualified individual to head an important government agency.

Montezuma's Revenge Edition

Demonstrators marched in support of immigrant rights in several US cities today, despite pleas from lawmakers such as California Senator Dianne Feinstein that protestors should go to work and school before participating in any marches or rallies during the so-called "Day Without Immigrants" national boycott. "After all," said Senator Feinstein, "the tacos that were listed on today's Congressional cafeteria lunch menu aren't going to make themselves."