Clap If You Believe In Fairies Edition - by Karina

Barack Obama introduces the world to his imaginary friend, who is still a better running mate than Sarah Palin.

RIM (Reactionaries In Motion) Job Edition

"Well, I'll be....is this one of those Blueberry things I invented? Pretty impressive. I actually dreamed these up when I was being tortured in Vietnam. You're all aware I was tortured, right? Because I was, so I deserve to be President. And if you don't like it you can move to Canada. And we all know Canada sucks because they sure as hell never gave the world anything as miraculous as a Blueberry."

He's Not Old, He's "Experienced" Edition

"My friends, I think we can all agree that this is no time to 'panic' or 'lose our shit' over the economy. Why, when I look at the present situation it seems perfectly obvious to me that the 'fundamentals' of the economy are strong. And by 'fundamentals' I am of course referring to Cindy's account balances and investment portfolio."

Lipstick On A Pig Edition

"We come not to praise the idea of a civil, high-minded campaign focusing on the issues, but to bury it."

Through A Scanner Darkly Edition

Preparations for John McCain's acceptance speech at the Republican National Convention shifted into high gear Thursday as a local homeless man was brought in to ensure that the Republicans' reality distortion filter was polished to a high sheen.  After a few minutes of work, he was asked what he thought of the Republicans' economic policy and replied, "I really think they have the best interests of me and other working Americans in mind."  He was then given a rifle and shipped to the Middle East to defend freedom.

Hit Me With That Rhythm Stick Edition

Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean brought a visual aid to the party's debate on how hard to hit John McCain.

His Favorite Album Is Fables Of The Reconstruction Edition

"Now, I don't know if y'all have been following the news, but this sitchy-ayshun with Russia and Georgia is just gittin outta hand. At least that's what Condi says, anyway. And it's like I've told my good buddy Putin, invading a sovereign country is just plain ol' unacceptable in the 21st century. And what's his excuse? He's defendin' the freedom of the separatists? Come on, who's gonna believe some cockamamie flim flam like that for an invasion! Next thing you know he's going to be standing in front of giant Russian flags telling us the Georgians got Dubya-Em-Dees! Ever-body know the only things they got in Georgia are peaches and R.E.M., and Michael Stipe sure as hell don't look like he could be a threat to anyone."

Man of the People Edition

"Oooh, what about the leather thong over there?" Apparently tired of whoring only himself out to Republican special interests in his desperate bid for the White House, Senator John McCain took wife Cindy on a shopping trip for the perfect outfit for her appearance at the Miss Buffalo Chip beauty contest at the annual Sturgis Bike Rally.

Hitler "Youth" Edition

"Maverick" Republican nominee John McCain again demonstrates his refusal to pander to special interests while speaking at a luncheon held by the White Pride Political Action Committee and Garden Club.

Matlock Edition

Senator McCain, showing that he is in touch with the needs of his constituents, made the following announcement today: "My fellow Americans, not only will I provide $300 million for a new automotive battery, but.....wait for it......I will pass legislation making annual visits from your grandkids mandatory! Now who wants some of these Werther's Originals here?"

My Future's So Bright I Gotta Wear Shades Edition

President Bush, in Florida to attend Republican Party fundraisers Friday, departed via Air Force One as the United States' prospects under a McCain presidency appeared in the background.

Sometimes the "Jokes" Write Themselves Edition

The American Red Cross announced today that it was finally ready to tackle head-on the greatest disaster in our nation's history and that concerned citizens can send donations here.

This Is What It Sounds Like When Doves Cry Edition

"Now, look, y'all. Ah know there is a perception out there in the minds of some of y'all Yerr-peens that ah lahk violence. And that couldn't be more wronger. Now, did ah lead my country into an unnecessary war that could very well have disastrous consequences for us all? Well, sure. Did ah think it was awesome when Dick shot that guy in the face? Who didn't? Did ah get a boner watching that cell phone video of Saddam gittin' strung up, Old-School-Texas-Justice-Style? Of course ah did, even bigger than the one ah got looking at them modelling photos of the French First Lady over there. Sorry, where were we goin' with this?"

"Will this thing buff my loafers?" Edition

While in Europe this week, President Bush admitted that his use of phrases such as "bring them on" and "dead or alive" had "indicated to people that I was, you know, not a man of peace." The gathered throng of reporters asked the self-declared "War President" to speak up, because while the plumage on Napoleonic military hats resembles a microphone, it does NOT, in any way, amplify total bullshit.

Looky Chairms Edition

1. "Mr. President, do you have any reaction to Representative Kucinich's introduction of Articles of Impeachment on the House floor yesterday?"
   
   "Kucinich? Why would I be worried about that? Don't y'all know leprechauns ain't real?"
   
   
2. "Mr. President, do you have any reaction to Representative Kucinich's introduction of Articles of Impeachment on the House floor yesterday?"
   
   "Yeah, did y'all know that cookie-baking elf's trophy bride has her tongue pierced? I mean, GAWDDAMN!! I tried to get Laura to get one, too, but she is such a stick in the mud these days. It sure ain't the Clinton-years round here no more."

Someone Needs To Buy A Better Mailing List Edition

So the other night was basically Christmas come early because I received in the mail the following letter from my good friends at the Republican National Committee:









That's right, I was among the select group of Republicans chosen to help set the direction of the party. Not only that, but apparently my responses would be recorded for all Republicans in my area. Now, discounting the fact that this is complete direct mail marketing bullshit (but, oh, how I wish it were true), there is one monumental problem with this. I am not, nor have I ever been, a registered Republican.

I have no idea how my name got on this mailing list, but this is actually the second time I have received one of these mailings. The first time was during the 2004 election, but one of my cats barfed on the survey before I could fill it out. I thought about mailing it back anyway, but decided not to. Maybe that's why I received it again this election cycle? In any case, the questions on this thing were so funny I just had to scan it and post it here. After I filled it out, of course. And right before I put it in the return envelope and dropped it in my mailbox. Now, the real question will be whether I'll get included on the mailing list in 2012. Once they see which option I filled in for Question 3 under the "Republican Party" section I have a feeling my further participation will be deemed unnecessary.

Survey page 1, including sections on Homeland Security, Economic, Domestic, and Social Issues:


Page 2, including sections on Defense Issues and Republican Party:

Heavy Is The Head That Wears The Crown Edition

"So, anyway, like I was sayin, I done gave up golf out of respect for the Iraq War dead. Well, that and 'cause mah short game sucks. And I can't putt for shit, neither. But I also gave up other things, too. Lahk pretending to be competent, or goin' to the White House everyday to defend our freedoms. Lahk I said, I feel I owe it to the families to be as -- to be in solidarity as best as I can with them. And I think doing mah job when them dead soldiers cain't do theirs no more just sends the wrong signal."