Fire and Brimstone Edition

With the nearly continuous onslaught of apocalyptic weather in the Sunshine State this season, Governor Bush the Younger today tried in vain to quell rumors that it appears God the Almighty Himself is really attempting to inadvertently kill Jeb in a hurricane-related "accident" and put an end to any talk of a political dynasty in Washington in 2008 and beyond. The Creator could not be reached for comment.

Kemosabe Edition

Rove: "Well, do you think they have finally got us this time?"
Cheney: "You got a turd in your pocket, boy? Who do you think 'us' includes? Now run along and go F**K yourself!"

Short Bus Edition

1. Cheney: "....frankly, sir, I think you should be a little more worried. Special Prosecutor Fitzgerald is closing in, and it's looking more and more likely that I might be indicted as well."
   Bush: "Ah, Dick, yer over-reactin'. We don't have to be worried about no 'special' perahsuhkewter. Nobody's gonna believe anything a retarded lawyer has to say!"
   Cheney: "It's not that kind of 'special,' you idiot. Go f*** yourself."
2. Cheney: "Where are we going, George?"
   Bush: "Nowhere, Dick, just down to this secluded thicket over yonder."
   Cheney: "I've done some bad things, George."
   Bush: "I know, Dick, but that don't matter now. We're gonna get away from all this soon."
   Cheney: "Where are we going, George?"
   Bush: "Somewhere real nice, Dick, you'll like it there."
   Cheney: "Will there be rabbits there, George?"
   Bush: "Sure, Dick, whatever you want. Look away now, Dick. Look off in the distance...do you see the rabbits?"
   Cheney: "I do, George."

Mysterious Ways Edition

1. "Look, son, I know yer here to help Aferka an' all, but, well, I don't know if Kanye West filled y'all in on this or not....."
   
2. The iconic Irish front man for U2 shocked both financial and pharmaceutical sectors across the globe today when he paid out of pocket for a controlling stake in Pfizer, the company that makes 'Purell', the hand sanitizer.
3. "Let me ask you somethin', Bozo, since yur in the music business. Any clue what 'Now I aint sayin she a gold digger (When I'm need) but she aint messin wit no broke niggaz' means?? I got my crack intelligence gatherin' units on it, but they ain't been able to break the code yet."
   

You Can't Handle the Truth Edition

1. Lawyer: "Mr. Hussein, can you remember who sold you the weapons you used to commit the crimes against humanity you are on trial for?"
   Saddam: "Yes, I can."
   Lawyer: "Is that person in the courtroom today?"
   Saddam: "Yes."
   Lawyer: "Could you please point that person out for the court?"
   Saddam: "He's right over there."
   Lawyer: "Let the record show that Mr. Hussein pointed out Donald Rumsfeld."
2. Lawyer: "Mr. Hussein, if you could just take us back to your thoughts at that time...."
   Saddam: "I'm sorry, you lost me there. Are you talking about the time I gassed my own people, or the time Karl Rove called to tell me Valerie Plame was in the CIA?"
3. The Iraqi courtroom where the 'Butcher of Baghdad' is being tried was cleared when the judge failed to bring the gathered throng to order after Mr. Hussein filed for a mistrial on the grounds that he was not allowed his first choice in legal representation. The ousted dictator's claim that the CIA gave Johnny Cochran that lethal brain tumor is considered by many to be merely a delay tactic, although a really damn good one.