Breaker Breaker One Nine Edition

"Mr. President, how would you respond to questions that the violence in Iraq has now degraded to the point of full-blown civil war?"
"Karl? Karl? Where are you, buddy? They're asking me about the civil war in Iraq again, and I need to know what you want me to call it. Dang, this damn thing ain't worked fer like the last 2 years. Time to wing it, Big Dog, you can do this. Uhhh, that's an excellent question, y'all, but I think our commanders on the ground have the lassitude to deal with the, uh, septuagenarian violence that we all know is the situation on the ground there."

Somebody Call Barry Gordy Edition

A humbled President Bush recently unveiled his new, diplomatic approach to the growing nuclear threats of Iran and North Korea, producing a music video with First Lady Laura Bush imploring Kim Jong-Il and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to "Stop! In the name of Love." So far, no response has been received.

Sour Grapes Edition

"I just want the 'Merican people to know that I am not discouragized about yesterday's 'election.' I got people working on this, and when we find out who messed things up they're going down. I'm looking at you Montana and Missouri. And Pennsylvania. And Ohio. And maybe Virginia too."

Outsourcing Edition

"I gotta tell y'all, I don't see why people are making such a big deal out of these secret prisons the CIA is running in Eastern Europe. I mean, we gotta send the terror suspects somewhere, right, we have to get information from them to help prevent future attacks. Attacks are bad, I think we can all agree on that. And it ain't like I'm gonna bring 'em over here and electrocute their balls myself. I got people for that sort of thing."

We Like Them Young and Impressionable Edition

Faced with continuing questions about military recruitment and insufficient troop levels in Iraq, President Bush took time to personally thank a group of new enlistees today.

You're Number One Edition

"Mr. President, how are negotiations going with Iran regarding their nuclear program?"
"I have just three words for Mr. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Sit. And. Spin."

I'm Looking at the Man in the Mirror Edition

"I'm tellin' y'all, someone has got to get into Lebanon and stabilitize the situation there. I mean, have y'all seen some of the crazy things the Israelis have to put up with over there? And let me just issue this warning...my team and ah have been monitoring the situation in Middle East quite closely for some time now, and if we ever find out who the heck has been going in over there and de-stabilitizing the region, we are going to take them out. You can run, de-stabilitizers, but you can't hide."

Inverse Relationship to Approval Ratings Edition

After the flight terror alert level was raised to "red" for the first time ever today, US travellers experienced long wait times and often confusing restrictions on what items they were allowed to bring with them in carry-on luggage. Mr. John Smith of Fort Wayne, Indiana, seen here waiting to board his flight, described having his bottled water, shampoo, iPod, and laptop removed from his carry-on luggage and placed in his checked suitcase.

Thar She Blows Edition

Reporter: "Mr. President, Prime Minister Blair has been very active during the current crisis, as has Secretary of State Rice. How would you rate her work on Hezbollah?"
Bush: "Well, I can't speak fer Tony, but from personal experience I can tell y'all that Condi here's got a real soft touch. She is a peni--, a pianister--, uh, a piano player after all. And the way she starts off by working the shaft a little, like so, before she just gently cups the ol' oil reserves down there, well, ah'll tell y'all, Jed Clampett ain't never found near as much Texas T as ol' Condi here."

Don't Rush The Important Decisions Edition

While taking questions on the Israel-Lebanon crisis during a press conference today, President Bush wondered whether Reggie Bush would get enough carries while sharing a backfield with Deuce McAllister to make him worth a second round pick in the upcoming White House Fantasy Football League draft.

Suspicious Minds Edition

"...And, uh, over here we have the 'Freedom Suits' that the enemy combatants wear when they go to the tribunal rooms," explained President Bush to Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi on a special VIP, backstage tour of Gitmo-land.

Salt of the Earth Edition

John M. Fabrizi, mayor of Bridgeport, CT (birth state of President Bush) answers questions about where the salaries of governors and presidents go when all their day to day expenses are taken care of by the state.

Propz to the Man Downstairs Edition

Concluding the television interview, renowned born-again Christian George W. Bush blinked his eyes, twitched his head, and then, in a slightly lower voice, gave a shout out to "Mah man Satan" who gives him the strength to do his "works o'wickedness, 'n' such," before winking at an audience member and disappearing in a column of fire. Security representatives on the scene confirmed that the "Decoy Pillar" was merely a new form of presidential security which "bewildered those who have not been chosen." Vice President Dick Cheney's approving grimace was just visible under the hood of his Sith robe. Cheney demurred any questions about the rumored End of Days Act being pushed through the House of Representatives at this time.

Gnashing of Teeth Edition

In the most important news story of the year, Superbowl champion Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback "Big Ben" Roadburger was injured Monday in a motorcycle accident while riding without a helmet. Roadburger's doctor announced to the media that "Big Ben" suffered multiple facial fractures, in addition to several other injuries. However, Dr. Pituch, seen here describing the injuries the 24-year-old Roadburger received, added that he was confident Roadburger would make a full recovery from the severe case of "the stupids" that caused the accident.

In other less important news this week, gas prices remain at an all-time high, several US prisoners at Guantanomo Bay killed themselves in what one Defense Department official called "a PR stunt," President Bush mocked the afflicted, and the Pentagon announced that the US death toll in Iraq had reached 2,500.

Cause you got it made with the guy in shades, OH NO!! Edition

After "needling" an LA Times reporter for wearing sunglasses during a Rose Garden press conference, only to later find out the reporter has Stargardt's disease, a form of macular degeneration that causes progressive vision loss, President Shrub kept up the pressure, and blatantly asked Helen Thomas if she was going to wear her "Oops, I crapped my pants" undergarments while she asked her unanswerable questions.

Pollyanna Edition

"Mah fellow 'Mericans, I am pleased to announce that the death of Al-Sacagawea in Iraq today gives us new hope in our relations with our Middle Eastern subje-, uh, I mean, friends. Why, there's nothing that can stop us from spreadin' freedom and democracy amongst the heathe-, uh, I mean, A-rabs. Except of course our dependence on their oil. And that Osama feller. And Hamas bein' in charge of Palestine. Oh, and that Iranian guy ain't too fond of me neither. And of course the Sunnis, Shiites, and Kurds hate each other. And Saddam is still around. But other than that, it's smooth sailin', yessir."

Liza with a "Z" Edition

1. "My fellow 'Mericans, it is imperatitive that we pass this here anti-gay marriage amendment because ah am the Decider, and ah have decided our great nation cannot afford what ah lahk to call the 'My Two Dads' scenario. 'Cause, seriously y'all, that show was terrible. And if that curly-headed fella can move on from there to marry Helen Hunt, then all these other homo-sexers can learn to straighten up too."
2. "My fellow 'Mericans, it is the will of G-, ah mean, the people of this fahn country, that marriage should be restricted to a man and a woman. And if any heathe-, ah mean fag-, ah mean, uh, anybody has a problem with that, ah encourage dissent and debate about this issue, much like mah administration has on previous occasions. In fact, ah encourage anybody who has anything to say about this, to pick up a phone and tell someone else about it. Y'all don't need to worry 'bout how, just make a call and rest assured ah'll hear about it soon enough."
3. "...as I have indicatured before, 'Merica is a stronger nation today. Why, only a few weeks back, our citizens were still under constant attack from those forces, that were, um, opposable to the true 'Merican way of life and to our freedoms. I can't be clearer on this point, now that 'Will & Grace' is over, it is my duty as your leader to ensure that kinda sissy stuff isn't shown in prime-time again!"

Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah Edition

1. Tony Snow's first White House Press briefing raised a few eyebrows today when the ultra white, completely out of touch, former FOX News denizen used the phrase "hug a tarbaby", which at one point in a forgettable era of American history referred to an inextricable situation, but obviously is also a blatant racist slur that hasn't been used for decades. When asked later what in the hell was wrong with him, the "Snowman" pointed to the A/V guy in the back and cued up the theme music from Disney's "Song of the South" and ended his first day on the job with a poignant, "No more questions, bitches!"
2. One day after raising eyebrows with the phrase "hug a tar baby," the new White House Press Secretary continued to disturb the American people when he noted that he "really screwed the pooch" by guaranteeing that the Senate would pass a controversial immigration reform bill. When asked about this latest unfortunate phrasing, Mr. Snow apologized for any confusion his remarks may have caused and that as a reporter one often has to resort to clicheed soundbites to make a point. He then added, "Am I right? Where my n***as at? Helen Thomas, you're with me right?"
3. "So anyway, there's me, Ari Fleischer, and Scott McClellan at dinner. Those two figured they'd take me out, give me the lay of the land, pointers on how to dodge questions from Helen Thomas, y'know. So, anyway, the bill comes, which is all well and good, except Fleischer totally Jews out on his split. Something about knowing the wholesale price of salmon and reducing the tip to account for the overcharging or something. Then McClellan, drunk Irish bastard, can't find his damn wallet or something, so guess who gets stuck with the bill? That's right, me. Anyway, I'm sorry, Mr. Gregory, your question was about immigration reform, right? Yes, the President feels it's very important that we place more border security out there to stop the flow of wetbacks into our country until we can figure out what to do with the ones already here."
4. Tony Snow continued his stellar performance as Scott "DrunkMick" McClellan's replacement when he announced today that Bush's infamous telephone logs were being flagged now for "towelhead jibber jabber" and that only "sand niggers" would be subject to any untoward scrutiny. At that point in the press conference, Helen Thomas threw down her note-taking materials and stormed out. Snow was overheard to say, "That bitch is always PMSing. She needs to get laid. Of course she's spin it like rape, like my wife does, but that's what them bitches do."

Prize-Winning Bass Big Edition

1. "Mr. President, could you please show us how big the problems in the Middle East have gotten under your administration?"
   
2. The Bush Administration and the world-famous wax museum, Madame Tussauds, have teamed up to provide realistic models of senior citizens for the President's now widely ignored Social Security publicity tour. Officials close to the President said that the move to use wax replicas of the elderly was prompted by one too many hand-bag beat downs.
   

That Joke Isn't Funny Anymore Edition

In a shockingly unprecedented turn of events, President Bush this morning made a highly controversial nomination of a possibly unqualified individual to head an important government agency.

Montezuma's Revenge Edition

Demonstrators marched in support of immigrant rights in several US cities today, despite pleas from lawmakers such as California Senator Dianne Feinstein that protestors should go to work and school before participating in any marches or rallies during the so-called "Day Without Immigrants" national boycott. "After all," said Senator Feinstein, "the tacos that were listed on today's Congressional cafeteria lunch menu aren't going to make themselves."

Leftovers Again?? Edition

1. President Shrub took a moment during today's symposium on Hope for Tomorrow's Youth to dig around in his back molars for a piece of food stuck there after he had devoured America's future during the buffet lunch.
2. President Bush was caught doing some prospecting today, possibly reliving his "oil exploration" days at Arbusto. When asked about it, the President said, "I never did have much luck with finding what I was looking for, but getting that piece of jerky caught between my back teeth was harder than getting permission to drill in the Alaskan Wildlife Refuge!"

Oooh, Something Shiny Edition

Much like the President Condoleeza Rice works for, this photographer's attention started to wander away the minute she brought up Iran and nuclear weapons.

Just Yanking Your Chain Edition

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Is It Hot In Here? Edition

President Bush delivered remarks on energy policy today to the Renewable Fuels Association in front of a huge banner depicting an idyllic farm setting. The President noted that he would have liked to speak in front of an actual farm except, "Karl wasn't able to find one that looked so lush and fertile, what with that global warmin' that don't exist screwin' up ecosystems and such."

Another One Bites the Dust Edition

"...well, thanks fer yer service, Scotty ol' pal. I sure am sad to see you go. But don't worry, I found you a nice family out in the country that's been looking fer a press seck-er-tary just like you. They got a real nice place, plenty of room fer you to run around and such."
"Will you come visit me, Mr. President?"
"Well, sure, Scotty. [chokes back tear] We'll see each other all the time. You be a good boy, now. I'll miss you!"

You Have Been Warned Edition

Favored Republican candidate for 2032 Damien Thorn strolls through Arlington National Cemetery on a school-sponsored scavenger hunt. "It's his level-headed gaze that the voters will respond to," remarks Tom DeLay, newly appointed headmaster of the exclusive GOP Academy. "My new job affords me all kinds of opportunities to leave no candidate behind." When asked about the troubling "666" tattoo on Thorn that might alienate Christian voters, DeLay shrugged. "It's still a Christian thing, ain't it?"

Scandal? What Scandal? Edition

"...and that is why I am announcing that I will resign from Congress this spring. "
Interior Monologue: "Look at all those spineless, yeller liberals cheering. Why, if that commie pinko judge who calls himself a Texan hadn't taken my concealed handgun permit away, I'd learn these Democrats somethin' fierce."

It's Not Unusual Edition

Tom Jones display the knighthood he received from Queen Elizabeth today, but thankfully had the good taste not to display the panties Her Majesty threw at him during the ceremony.

Breakdown Edition

President Bush threw a rod today while attempting to explain to reporters that Iraq was not on the verge of civil war.

Three Apples High Edition

Responding to questions from reporters today regarding his plans to address the loss of U.S. troops available to fight in Iraq due to attrition, President Bush responded, "Y'all remember Smurfs? Little fellers, 'bout yeah high?"

Army of Me Edition

1. "...and I swear to you, that one day soon the followers behind me and I will sweep aside this farce you call a trial and reclaim our place at the head of Iraq. Isn't that right, guys? Guys? Guys? Uh, by followers of course, I mean, this dude back here in the khakis. And those three ladies. And, uh, some other guy who seems to be back there too. Consider yourselves warned!"
2. "Can I get a witness?!? I said, CAN I GET A WITNESS?!?! No, seriously, I want to call a witness on my behalf."

Desperate Times Edtion

"Look, y'all, ah'm shakin' hands with a brown feller. Ain't that tolerant of me? That ain't the kind of thing a sub-40% approval rating President would do now, is it?"

Not in Kansas Anymore

"Goodbye, approval ratings! Goodbye, political capital! Oh, I'll miss you most of all, apathetic American voters!"

I'm Sari, SO Sari Edition

1. "So, uh, you ladies now where this here cowboy can get a nice thick juicy Ribeye?"
2. "Ya got a little red somethin' on yer forehead there...let me just get it with muh hanky."

It Was Only a Bad Dream Edition

1. "Oh yeah, this is the baby that got ol' Hank Whittington, back in '06. Got 'em real good!" moaned Grand Inquistor Cheney in ecstasy at the 2020 Fourth-Term Inauguration Ball moments before he had his daily blood transfusion from his harem of 72 virgins.
2. "So, this trigger thingy here is what I don't want to pull when I'm pointing Ol' Smokey here at another hunter?" asked Vice President Dick Cheney while attending a "Safe Shootin' Is Good, Clean Fun!" NRA safety course today.

"Scotty Doesn't Know" Edition

1. The White House has taken a new approach to handling the nearly constant string of fuck-ups that have plagued the Bush/Cheney years - humor. Scott McClellan insinuated today that safety-orange will replace the standard white wash at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave and staff would be asked to announce themselves when anywhere near the embattled vice-president's office. McClellan, who can't find his ass with both hands, was rewarded for his jocularity with an unexpected invitation from the Veep himself to "tag along" on the next hunting trip.
2. White House spokesman Scott McClellan, after stonewalling the press and insisting that Vice President Dick Cheney's own staff would be better prepared to answer questions regarding the weekend shooting, finally caved today and responded to a question from the New York Times that, "Yes, the Vice President is expected to go hunting again once 'Wabbit Season' officially opens."

30 Ought 6 Edition

1. One day after the House Republicans issued a new party rule requiring the wearing of high-visibility orange vests while on the House floor, Vice President Dick Cheney was spotted carrying a hunting rifle and heading for a blind he had constructed in the House gallery. When asked what he was doing, the Vice President responded with a trademark, "Go fuck yourself!" The Vice President's spokesman later informed the press that the Vice President was merely observing the House's debate on the Terrorist Surveillance Program and was expected to be actively involved in answering Democratic challenges to the program.
   
2. Dick "12-Gauge" Cheney is seen here entering the new House 'Shooting' Gallery for some much needed target practice. When pressed on the subject, the Vice President equated his not having a permit for hunting "upland game birds" in Texas to not really being elected to public office by the voice of the people. Later, upon hearing that his intended victim, Harry Whittington (the 78-yr old Republican lawyer who contrary to Scott McClellan's initial comments, looks nothing at all like a "really big quail") had suffered a heart attack while receiving care for the botched murder attempt, old 12-Gauge asked the Whittington family for forgiveness in his special way by saying, "Go F#$K yourselves!"
   

The Best Defense Is A Strong Offense Edition

"Well, Senator, before I answer your question, perhaps you would like to take a look at some of the information our Terrorist Surveillance Program has uncovered. For example, it seems we've picked up quite a few calls from your office to a certain local escort agency...."

Microscopic Edition

"...and if you squint a little, Mr. President, you should just be able to see your party's chances for this year's elections in the corner there."

Guess What Happens When You Search For "Miserable Failure" on Google Edition

"WWWWHHHHHHYYYYYY?!?!?!?!?!?! Why doesn't anything ah try to do ever work out?!?!?!!?!" wailed President Bush during a speech today, after being questioned once again on the failure of the Iraq War, the economy, the environment, Bill O'Reilly on Letterman, and attempts to reunite the Spice Girls.

He Who Must Not Be Named Edition

President Bush demonstrated his mighty powers of black magic during a speech at Kansas State University today, hurling a fireball at an audience member who questioned him about the NSA domestic surveillance program while moving calmly on to the next question.

You Have Failed Me For The Last Time Edition

Vice President Dick Cheney returned to his secure undisclosed location today, following a brief hospitalization due to breathing difficulties. Mr. Cheney, who has suffered from a variety of health problems during his time in office, was outfitted by doctors with an experimental suit that will regulate all of his bodily functions, enabling him to continue the vital work of defrauding the American people and enriching his former company, Halliburton. Asked by reporters as he exited the hospital if he thought the appearance of the suit belied a joke at his expense by his doctors, the Vice President responded, "NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOoooooo!!!!!!! Now go f*** yourself."