Dig a Hole to China Edition

President Bush, working on a particularly nasty piece of earwax during a press conference today, was worried for a moment that he might have pushed too far and scratched his brain. The Washington press corps assured him he had nothing to worry about.

I'm Looking Through You Edition

"...and that's why I'm pleased to announce that my good friend here, Mr. Scapegoat, will now be heading up the federal disaster recovery effort in the Gulf region."

Yes, Mr. Bush? Edition

1. President Bush asks if a bathroom break is possible at the UN World Summit today. Secretary of State Rice and UN Ambassador Bolton, in an unusual breach of protocol, snickered behind the President's back after he told Kofi Annan that he needed to "wee-wee."
   
2. Governor Bush lightened the mood at the UN this week when he insisted on obtaining a head-phone-style language translator; however, his request was denied due in part to the first proto-type 'English-to-American' conversion device was currently being used by Britney Spears' OBGYN.
   

The Most Awesomest Photo(s) Ever Edition

No caption needed, really. From Yahoo News: "U.S. President George W. Bush writes a note to Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice during a Security Council meeting at the 2005 World Summit and 60th General Assembly of the United Nations in New York September 14, 2005."


Close-up of the note in question:

Yes, Virginia, these are real.

Hell Freezes Over Edition

1. Mere seconds after uttering the phrase, "I take responsibility," Junior was shocked and awed to look down and observe that the POTUS' anal-dwelling-butt-monkeys were indeed real and could actually fly.
2. "...and I take responsibilit-, sorry folks, I ain't got my glasses on me. For a second there I thought this here script said I was takin' responsibility for the federal hurricane response, which, as we all know, is impossible. Seein' as I'm busy spreading freedom and democracy. Nine-eleven."
3. President Bush attempts to overcome his body's natural resistance to take responsibility for the slow federal response to Hurricane Katrina. The Surgeon General later issued a statement that the President's revulsion to the words "I take responsibility" was perfectly natural, as (to anyone's knowledge) this is the first time in his entire life that the President has taken responsibility for anything.

Winston Smith Edition

1. The UN introduced it's new video segment, "Two Minutes Hate" today which received accolades from the majority of delegates. Meanwhile, the universe poured itself another tumbler of 'Victory Gin' with a splash of tonic and a lime twist and sunk deeper into a depressed stupor.
2. In a videotaped message to the UN General Assembly today, President Bush issued the following demand: "Either y'all better convert to democracy and spread freedom and liberty, or the United States will unleash the fury of Mother Nature with our new doomsday machine! It's, uh, somethin' I've had Cheney workin' up in that 'undisclosed location' of his. Anyway, as I was sayin', uh, I'll unleash natural disasters on y'all and send FEMA to clean 'em up, unless my demands are met. Which, to, uh, recap, are that y'all better start democratizin'. Oh, and I want, like, uh, a bazillion-trillion dollars, too. National debt to pay an' all. Y'all understand. Oh, and, uh, Rummy wants sharks with frickin' lazers on their heads."

Ask Me If I Care Edition

1. Looking to refute recent racially biased statements made by Rapper Kanye West, the President recently met with some, in his words, "real honest-to-goodness black folk" up close and fairly impersonal, for the very first time.
2. "Well, I woulda sent help sooner, but I heard from my mom that this is workin' out real well for y'all. Smile for the photo pool, now."
   

Send in the Mexican Marines! Edition

1. "I'd like to just say a big, I mean, grande gracias to y'all for helpin' us out here. And I hope y'all don't mind that I'm gonna have to have the Border Patrol deport y'all soon as yer done here today. Y'all comprende, right?"
2. "So y'all are from Mexico, right? Well, why aren't you wearin' them big wide hats and the colorful blankets and such? And this guy over here don't even have cris-crossed bandoleros on or nothing...."

It's What We Call "Symbolic" Edition

Various public officials involved in the botched relief efforts for Hurrican Katrina duck a physical manifestation of the trend their disapproval ratings have lately taken.

Wishful Thinking Edition

"You shore do got a purty mouth, Mister President."

Trent Lott's New Porch Edition

1. "An' then we're gonna have ourselves a li'l ol' puttin' green, rightchover thar, an' we'll create jobs for summa them poor coloreds, er, displaciary people who didn't have the sense to leave. An' Michael Brown will come over and we'll have some sweet tea and some gumbo and you kin watch through the gates. Yep, it's gonna be right nice sittin' here in New New Orleans with Charleton Heston and Trenty and Rummy and Leezie and Brownie and dad and..."
2. "Yeah, seems like just yesterday me and Trent was having that big bonfire out here on the lawn with all his constituents. Man, we was all drinkin' and hollerin' and they started wearin' these funny white robes, like when I would go to toga parties back at Yale. 'Course, our togas didn't have them funny white pointy hats to go with 'em....."

Not News To Anyone Edition

1. Reporter Rip Van Winkle submits his report nearly six years too late.
2. Breaking News! Smart-ass headline programmers on the rise.

Give A Man A Fish Edition...

...and he'll be given a free handout by big government for a day, then go back on welfare. Teach a man to fish, and he can become president of the United States, and do nothing else.

Katrina and the Waves Edition 2

Bush comforts the only victims of Hurricane Katrina that is he able to understand.

Queer as Volk Edition

1. Sadly, Gov. Schwarzenegger and Mickey Mouse's time together would prove to be all too brief, as the "Austrian Oak" bowed to party pressure and promised to veto California's recently passed legalization of gay marriage. In a short statement, the Governor said, "I vill alvays remember mein time mit Mickey fawnd-lee. Venn he made me his girly-man, I knew a kind of bliss dat I hat never felt befoar. However, here in Kah-lee-foar-nee-ah, vee must not let dee legislatuah derail the vill of duh people. Unless dat legislatuah has a Republican majority, of course."
   
2. Filming began today in Hollywood on New Line Cinema's latest sequel "Twins, Too", and expectations are high for the actor-turned-politician to really cement his standing as a complete and total douche-bag.
   

Reading is Fundamenial Edition

1. It turned out that New Orleans had actually submitted a plea for assistance directly to the president, but due to the fact that he's less of a "visual learner" than most previous presidents, their call for help was assumed to be "some kinda Negroid gang markings."
2. In an effort to shore up flagging support for the Iraq War, President Bush pointed to this photo today, saying, "See, the Eye-rackis do want us there. They are asking for our help, and we will give it to them. That's what I call 'compassionate conservatism.'" The President then looked confused, as an embarassed Scott McClellan could be heard whispering "New Orleans! New Orleans!" from the side of the stage.

The South Shall Rise Again Edition

1. Reacting to the colossal bungling of Hurricane Katrina's aftermath, a suicide bomber, disguised as a red state voter, approaches President Bush's high-speed motorcade through Jefferson Parish, Louisiana.
2. The President's latest nominee for the Supreme Court toured areas of the South ravaged by Hurricane Katrina prior to leaving for Washington and what promises to be a contentious confirmation hearing. When asked why he nominated someone with no legal training to the nation's highest court, President Bush was quoted as saying, "Well, she looks a heckuva lot better in her legal briefs than Ginsburg or O'Connor."

Leadership 101 Edition

1. "Now, as I mentioned earlier, I'll personally be leading an investigation to show that mah administration has done nothing wrong in our handling of this natural disaster. And to any critics of my administration who might think that we are somehow responsible, let me just say this: 'Yer either with us, or yer with the hurricane.'"
   
2. "I would like to take this opportunitation, to personally thank this shadowy 'Katrina' person for closing down Bourbon Street indefinitely. Man, when I think of Jenna and uh, the other one, down tha for that Mardi Gras, catching those beads and carryin' on, ohhhh, George is getting very upset!"
3. President Bush attempts to explain to the foreign press that the United States is not, in fact, ruled by a weak-willed marionette surrounded on both sides by shadowy puppet masters, as Vice President Cheney and Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld look on and nod approvingly.
   

My Baloney has a First Name Edition

1. Sandwiched between inept confusion and blatant contempt, Junior attempted to explain why 'Hogan Knows Best' on VH1 was consistently receiving higher ratings than his sham of a presidency over the past month. "I think it's that ther doo-rag," puled the Shrub.
2. Arbusto: "...so like I was saying, I want to assurify the peoples of New Orderlins that my administrayshun will do everything in its power to assessimate the situation on the ground and provide whatever assistances should be necessitated."
   Clinton: "Good lord. How the hell did we lose to this retard twice? At least he's finally passed my highest disapproval ratings. Maybe Hillary will let me be her running mate in '08. The Vice President would sure have a lot of time for chasin' tail."
   Bush Sr.: "I think I have something stuck in my dentures."
   
3. As the cool light of CNN glowed on Al Gore's face, he took another grateful bite of Crunch and Munch and changed the channel to the Ali G show.

These Are The Excuses You're Looking For Edition

1. In a last ditch effort to salvage his sagging approval ratings, President Bush attempts to influence public opinion with his mind.
2. President Bush, tired of trying to influence public opinion the old-fashioned, labor-intensive way, borrowed his Sorceror Master's blue pointy hat and summoned an army of microphones to do his bidding. His master, seen here after being woken from his nap by Mr. Bush's staggering ineptitude, was clearly not amused.
3. Unable to withstand the intense scrutiny and disbelieving looks of the White House Press Corps any longer, President Bush's Key Grip, Millard Scheissekopf, stood by while his boss addressed the newly installed Reporter-less Mics and Remote Control Cameras.