Winston Smith Edition

1. The UN introduced it's new video segment, "Two Minutes Hate" today which received accolades from the majority of delegates. Meanwhile, the universe poured itself another tumbler of 'Victory Gin' with a splash of tonic and a lime twist and sunk deeper into a depressed stupor.
2. In a videotaped message to the UN General Assembly today, President Bush issued the following demand: "Either y'all better convert to democracy and spread freedom and liberty, or the United States will unleash the fury of Mother Nature with our new doomsday machine! It's, uh, somethin' I've had Cheney workin' up in that 'undisclosed location' of his. Anyway, as I was sayin', uh, I'll unleash natural disasters on y'all and send FEMA to clean 'em up, unless my demands are met. Which, to, uh, recap, are that y'all better start democratizin'. Oh, and I want, like, uh, a bazillion-trillion dollars, too. National debt to pay an' all. Y'all understand. Oh, and, uh, Rummy wants sharks with frickin' lazers on their heads."