Apocalypse Now Redux Edition

"My fellow Americans, I will try to summarize why my party and I 'torpedoed' the Senate proposal to begin withdrawing troops from Iraq. We simply have the best interest of our next generation of political leaders at heart. After all, if myself and the rest of my generation of politicians couldn't waste most of our time and campaign rhetoric bickering about who did or didn't do what during Vietnam, we'd be forced to actually address the real problems facing our nation. By ensuring that our country remains bogged down in yet another pointless conflict we are securing that same right for those who will succeed us one day. And I don't know about all of you, but an America where politicians are expected to do real work on behalf of those who elected them is not an America I want to live in. Thank you, and God Bless America."

Hustle & Flow Edition

"...and then he says, 'Is Wayne Brady gonna have to choke a bitch?' Heh heh heh. Ah, man, it's funny 'cause it's true."

Apply Directly to Forehead Edition

"Look, when y'all ask me these tough questions that I ain't got perpared answers for, it hurts real bad, right in this general region. Kinda like I drank a Slurpee too fast or something. Y'all ever get that?"

Overachiever Edition

"Look, y'all, I don't see why y'all've got yer panties in a bunch about our Iraq Progress Report. We said we're making satisfactory progress on 8 out of 18 initiatives, which is an outstanding 44%. Hell, that's like an F, F+. Those kinds of grades will get you through Yale and Harvard Business School."

The Great Dictator Edition

"Gaaawd dang! Georgy-boy, where's that finger been? Hooo-eeeey. That is ripe. I mean the liberal media keeps telling me where my thumb has been, wonder if they know about Stinky here, too."

How Do You Spell Relief? Edition

Homeland Security Director Michael Chertoff met with reporters today to further clarify his "gut feeling" that Al-Qaeda was poised to attack the U.S. again later this summer. "I just want to let everyone know that my announcement the other day, while not based on any intelligence or evidence, was absolutely based on the fact that I judged the Department of Homeland Security's Annual Chili Cook-Off the day before. After a few days of popping antacid tablets and some heavy-duty fiber, I am feeling much better now. Sorry for any irrational fear I may have caused. We at the Department of Homeland Security will now be returning to our very important jobs of not securing our nation's ports, airports, borders, postal system, customs inspection stations, interstate highways and bike paths."

I Beg Your Pardon Edition

Vice President Dick "Psychotic Evil Cyborg Bastard" Cheney was caught yesterday by White House press photographers doing his happy dance outside the Oval Office, moments after delivering the order to President George "Retarded Sock Puppet" Bush to commute former Chief of Staff Lewis "I Need A Grownup Nickname" Libby's prison sentence after an appeals court ruled "Scooter" had to start serving his prison term immediately. Asked for his reaction to the stunning development in Libby's case, Vice President Cheney responded, "I think the President agreed with me and everyone else who's opinion matters that expecting someone who broke the law and was convicted by a jury to actually serve the punishment handed out by some activist judge is ridiculous and excessive. Don't like it? Go fuck yourself."