Let's Settle This Like Men Edition

1. "You know why we're all here, just don't get anything on the furniture."
2. "Jeb tells me this has worked out real well in Florida, so I thought y'all might like to give it a try."

Goo Goo G'Joob Edition

Who you callin' "Walrus," Senator?

Darth Rummy Edition

1. Senator, I suggest you back the f*** down before I unleash my Force-lightning on your ass, Yoda-style.
2. If you do not join us, you will die, my young apprentice.
3. Are you threatening me, Master Senator? I find your lack of faith...(choking sounds) most disturbing.
4. RUMMY: Are you threatening me, Master Senator?
   MACE: The Senate will decide your fate.
   RUMMY: (burst of anger) I am the Senate!
5. The shields will not be disabled. Your insignificant rebellion will be crushed. Unless, of course, the tiny force of rebels on the forest moon of Endor somehow manage to team up with a bunch of irritating, overgrown teddy bears and somehow defeat a crack squad of the Empire's best, most heavily-armed troops, all of whom are wearing full body armor that's apparently only vulnerable to attacks from sticks and rocks. But anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, give in to your hate, my young apprentice....feel the power of the Dark Side.
6. So then I says to the Senate: awoogaawoogaawooga (insert jazzy spirit fingers here) - your mojo doesn't work on me, boys.

If the Shoe Fits Edition

1. Cheney and a few other people watch George through the window of the conference room door.
   
   Cheney: Hey, look at George. He's givin' it to T-bone. He's jumpin' up and down like some kind of monkey. Hey, what was the name of that monkey that could read sign language?
   
   Rumsfeld: All right, you can have T-bone. Stop crying.
   
   GEORGE (sniffling): I'm not crying. And I shouldn't have said that about your wife. Please accept my apologies.
   
   Rumsfeld and George enter the conference room.
   
   GEORGE: Ok, everybody, uh...I have an announcement to make. From now on, I will be known as-
   
   Cheney: Koko the monkey.
   
   GEORGE: What?
   
   
2. "As small business owners yourselves, you must understand how it feels to be the big pond with a heap of little fishes. Through tax incentives and my administration's health care proposals, I expect groups like the SBA will help to unleash those fishes to all Americans, so that they are free to...uh...so these 'fish of freedom' can escape the pond of oppression and swim upstream and...uh...spawn and uh... and die. Knowing they served their country."
   
   
3. "I'm really pleased to be here today addressing the Sons of Bitches of America. As a sonofabtich myself, I feel that our constituency has been somewhat underrepresented in American politics. But I say to you today, join me brothers, for those days are now long gone!”

Double Secret Invasion Edition

Condi: War's over, man. Zarqawi dropped the big one.

Bush: Over? Did you say "over"? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!

Condi: Germans?

Rumsfeld: Forget it, he's rolling.

Bush: And it ain't over now. 'Cause when the goin' gets tough... [thinks hard] the tough get goin'! Who's with me? Let's go!

[runs out, alone; then returns]

Bush: What the fuck happened to the Cabinet I used to know? Where's the spirit? Where's the guts, huh? "Ooh, we're afraid to go with you George, we might get in trouble." Well just kiss my ass from now on! Not me! I'm not gonna take this. Osama, he's a dead man! Saddam, dead! That North Korean fella...

Rumsfeld: Dead! George's right. Psychotic, but absolutely right. We gotta take these bastards. Now we could do it with conventional weapons that could take years and cost millions of lives. No, I think we have to go all out. I think that this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody's part.

Bush: We're just the guys to do it.

Condi: Let's do it.

Bush: LET'S DO IT!

Not the Most Flattering Photo Edition

In breaking news, Alfred E. Newman announced today that it was time for the U.S. to return to diplomacy. The announcement was made by having the assembled members of the press corps fold the press release until A met B, at which time a new message ironically dissimilar to the original message was revealed.

Flat Sally Gets Around Edition

The assembled throng on the White House lawn broke into gales of laughter when the President, apparently higher than current gas prices on some of the twins' "Maui Wowie", hugged and kissed an onlooker's "Flat Sally" doll mistaking it for a real child.

Yo Mama So Ugly Edition

1. "Oh yeah? Well, YO mama so fat that when she sits around the house, she REALLY sits around the house."
2. “You are black and I am white - you are blind as a bat and I have sight, side by side you are my amigo, negro, let's not fight!”
3. "Well, boy, if your type wouldn't die so young, you'd get your fair share of the pot, so don't blame me! But then again, y'all are all unemployed anyway so it's not like you're really contributing either. Thanks for your vote. Next question!"