Saddam Hussein, alleging torture at the hands of his American captors in court today, tried to downplay his own reputation: "I mean, sure, I might have shocked some people's balls, but these bastards made me watch 'Live with Regis & Kelly' videos for hours! Then they gave me this cheap-ass suit to wear in court and put photos of me changing clothes in my cell on the internet. That kind of thing really hurts a guy's reputation."
"Ha ha, ya missed me, suckers!" yelled President Bush as he dodged questions regarding torture, Iraq, and the NSA spying on the American people from the White House Press Pool today.
"Ah condemn all them regimes that do torture and that spy on their own citizens and bully other countries and fix their elections and develop weapons of mass destructions and operate above innernational law. And Ah vow to nukeyer ever single onna them countries that's like that. So, uh, Ah'll be in mah bunker fer the next 3 years while you folks enjoy the new Nukular Free Skies Act."
Bush: "So let me make sure I got this here compromised torture ban we cooked up straight, McCain ol' pal. We can electrocute nipples but not genitals, we can spit on the Ko-ran but not piss on it in front of the Muslim prisoners, and any beatings we administer can't leave a mark."
McCain: "That's correct, Mr. President, but don't forget that any of these activities have to occur in top secret Eastern European prisons run by the CIA, not on American soil."
Bush: "Pardner, you got yerself a deal!"
Senator John McCain, in a rare display of the backbone that's been missing since the 2000 Republican primaries, went briefly off-message at an Arnold campaign rally today, saying, "If you think Bush is full of shit, wait 'til you get a load of this guy's plan!" A republican staffer armed with a cattle prod was able to shock the senator back into a stupor before any further damage could be done.
With the nearly continuous onslaught of apocalyptic weather in the Sunshine State this season, Governor Bush the Younger today tried in vain to quell rumors that it appears God the Almighty Himself is really attempting to inadvertently kill Jeb in a hurricane-related "accident" and put an end to any talk of a political dynasty in Washington in 2008 and beyond. The Creator could not be reached for comment.
Rove: "Well, do you think they have finally got us this time?"
Cheney: "You got a turd in your pocket, boy? Who do you think 'us' includes? Now run along and go F**K yourself!"
President Bush, working on a particularly nasty piece of earwax during a press conference today, was worried for a moment that he might have pushed too far and scratched his brain. The Washington press corps assured him he had nothing to worry about.
"...and that's why I'm pleased to announce that my good friend here, Mr. Scapegoat, will now be heading up the federal disaster recovery effort in the Gulf region."
No caption needed, really. From Yahoo News: "U.S. President George W. Bush writes a note to Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice during a Security Council meeting at the 2005 World Summit and 60th General Assembly of the United Nations in New York September 14, 2005."
Close-up of the note in question:
Yes, Virginia, these are real.
Various public officials involved in the botched relief efforts for Hurrican Katrina duck a physical manifestation of the trend their disapproval ratings have lately taken.
...and he'll be given a free handout by big government for a day, then go back on welfare. Teach a man to fish, and he can become president of the United States, and do nothing else.
Bush comforts the only victims of Hurricane Katrina that is he able to understand.
Bush, responding to pressure from pollsters that he is not showing adequate concern for the deaths of American soldiers, attends the funeral of the brother of Robert Wakefield (shown) at Naval Air Station North Island. Rusty Wakefield died of congestive heart failure on Sunday.
....It really depends upon how our nation conducts itself in foreign policy. If we're an arrogant nation, they'll resent us.....but if we're a humble nation they'll respect us."
George W. Bush, October 11, 2000
1. "When yer President, like ah am, you have to make tough decisions. Like, how is we going to pay down our national debt? Well, I'm here to tell you. It'll take resolve. It'll take courage. It'll take remembering the sacrifice of the heroes of nine-eleven. But mostly it'll take cash. That's right, I'm talkin' money. Moo-lah. Dollar, dollar bills, y'all."
2. "I'm tellin yuh, I wuz this close - see how close my fingers are together? - this close to finding them Dubya-Em-Dees in that Eye-rack, until them Demmycrats started whining about Gitmo and Abu Gabi and hurtin' the troops!"
"So, this guy walks into a talent agent's office, and he says, 'Have I got an act for you!' The talent agent says to him, 'Well, what kinda act is it?' And the guy says, 'It's a family act. First, my daddy comes out on stage, right? And he picks up a phone and calls his powerful friends to get me nominated for the Presidency. Then my brother comes out, and he starts rigging the polls in his state so I can win by a slim margin. Then, after I'm President, I hire all muh daddy's old friends, and we decide to go to war against the Eye-rackis, since my daddy couldn't finish the job before. Now, in order to do this, we exploit the fears of the 'Merrican people, y'see, so they'll go 'long with what we want 'em to do. Only, it turns out that they don't have nuthin' to actually be afraid of. So then, we tell 'em that we're spreadin' democracy. I repeat a lot of things, like "Freedom's on the march" and "Nine-eleven," and at this point the audience is eatin' outta my hand, right? And then, when everybody starts to catch on, and starts questioning why things ain't turnin' out the way we told 'em, we tell everybody that there's no actual plan for getting out of Eye-rack, but we have to "stay the course!"' And the talent agent looks at the guy and says, 'Well, that's a hell of an act. What do you call it?' And the guy says, 'The Aristocrats!'"
1. In what has become an embarassingly common occurrence, President Bush was carefully scanned by the liberal media using sophisticated truth sensors commonly known as "bullshit detectors" before being allowed to make a statement in a brief appearance today.
2. Knowing the President's penchant for talking directly out of his ass, microphones were positioned on the 'D.L.' for optimal reception.
1. "Well, I'm glad y'all made it back too, boys. That's two fewer funerals for me to not attend."
2. "Funny, I thought you would be much taller, Sir."
3. Arbusto: "Congratulations on meeting your recruiting targets for this month, son."
Army dude: "Well, sir, it was touch and go there for a while, but then Betty Lou here put us over the top."
1. "...and what's the deal with all these insurgents? I mean, every time we set up a new police station in Iraq, they've gotta bomb it. What is the deal? 'Cause, hey, I wanna know...."
2. "Can I be honest with you people for once? Yeah, well we stole Florida in 2000, and took Ohio last year, and you know what? I ain't got a clue what I am doing and really don't give a shit! So, what are you and your liberalized pals going to do about it, huh? Post some silly photos of me on the Internets? Well, I say.... Bring.... It.... On."
3. "Whoah, people, hey, what's with the personal attacks? I think you liberals need to throw a little of that 'therapy and understanding' my buddy Karl's always talkin' 'bout my way fer a change. It ain't my fault y'all hate freedom."
1. President Bush managed to escape from a rampaging zombie horde yesterday, when the zombies realized that BRAINNNSSSSS wouldn't be on the menu that night.
2. George Bush thanked George Romero for casting his extras in Land of the Dead exclusively with Town Hall Meeting participants.
3. While waiting in the buffet line at a recent White House dinner, Junior proved once again he is still in touch with the youth of America when, to the surprise of nearly nobody, he screamed to the woman behind him, "Hey! No Cuts, No Buts, No Coconuts!"
