Now I Wanna Sniff Some Glue Edition

With blatant disregard for his fork-tongued advisors' pleas, Governor Shrub still inexplicably arrived at his most recent futile campaign stop with his index finger firmly super-glued to his forehead. When asked what had happened, the "Creampuff of Crawford" mumbled something under his breath about a directional mishap while sniffing model airplane glue.

Who You Callin' Puppet? Edition

1. Governor Shrub grimaces as Vice-Fuhrer Cheney completes yet another pre-press conference ritual that has become the cornerstone of their administration by shoving his hand all the way up his puppet's warmongering oil-grubbing monkey ass.
2. Bush: "Frankly, I don't understand the Amurrican people's continued belief in these shadowy figures hovering over the left shoulder of mah presidency. I am not a puppet, I am not controlled by sinister corporate forces, I make mah own decisions. Why, just the other day I had this great idea to git a bunch of Vietnam vets and have 'em make this commercial about how John Kerry was lyin' about his service in Viet--"
   Cheney: "This press conference is over, ladies and gentlemen. Please disregard everything the President has just said."
   Bush: "Why Dick, I didn't see you standing back there. I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen, I git a little carried away sometimes. I'll do better next time, Dick, just don't put me in the Quiet Room agin."
   Cheney: "Shut up, you idiot, unless you want to choke on a pretzel again!"

November Surprise Edition

1. "Dagnabit, boys! Look harder. I jus' know I dropped them keys to Osama's double-wide around here somewhere. It's the ones that say, 'Do not use until November' on 'em!"
2. "Go forth, my navy-blazered and khaki-slacked legions! Go forth and spread my message across the land! Let George Dubya Bush be a name that strikes fear in the hearts of children everywhere!"

Paging Travis Bickle Edition

"Check it out, guys! That dude's pointin' a gun at me, like this! Way to exercise your Second Amendment rights, bro!"

K-Tel Presents Edition

1. "...that's right, folks, you get all this and more on three, limited-edition 8-Tracks of The Cheneys Sing!, including dozens of all-time treasured favorites. Just listen to Dick and Lynne belt out these hits: We Are the World, their own D.C. take on the theme to "The Beverly Hillbillies", The Beastie Boys' Heart Attack Man, and even a Vice-Presidential rendition of Queen's Stone Cold Crazy. Never before has this offer been available to the public, and supplies are running out fast.! Act before November 2nd and receive a special bonus pamphlet co-authored by the melodic second-couple entitled "Raising a Lesbian Daughter in a Republican World." Don't wait, operators are standing by. Call now!"
2. Dick: “Remember kids, stay in school.”
   Lynne: “Boys don't have babies.”Dick: “And herpes kills dates. Good night!”

If It's Good Enough For Mormons Edition

1. President Shrub recently proposed, drafted and approved legislation all his own to legalize polygamy in the U.S. and then made a surprise power move by wedding long-time maid at the Crawford, TX family ranch, Consuelo Martinez Gonzales Bush, in a small ceremony that included first zombie-wife Laura as maid of honor. Everyone in attendance was given souvenir welding goggles to wear while cooking their very own side of ranch-fed liberal for supper over the open flames of decency and goodness.
2. President Bush, worried about potential injury from accusations he expects to be hurled at him during the upcoming campaign season, today modeled the latest in safety glasses technology. The President, seen here with Saf-T-Specs, Inc., plant manager Conchita O'Hoolihan, told reporters, "If John Kerr-uh thinks he can hurl accusations at me during the campaign, I'm going to be ready for him." When the assembled press tried to explain to the President that Senator Kerry would not literally be throwing things at his head as accusations were just speech, President Bush looked momentarily confused and was then distracted by the glint of the plant's fluorescent lighting off the shiny pen of a reporter in the front row.
3. "Yoko and I will be wearing these glasses for world peace, man, and if you don't like it that's just your bourgeois mentality that the Man has brainwashed you with."

Turn Your Head and Cough Edition

1. "20W/50, sir, perfectly normal grade for a man of your...wait, that can't be right!?!?"
2. “Well, Mr. President, after I finish taking your vitals the proctologist will be right in to see if Senator Kerry did, indeed, f*** your chances of re-election in the ass with his convention speech last week.”
3. A Crawford, Texas volunteer for President Bush's re-election campaign today received the distinguished task of pumping the President full of hot air to replenish his diminished supply.

Go, Lance, Go Edition

1. “Well, as a fellow Texan I just couldn't be any happier. Y'know we're working on some plans for me to go six ter---oh, I gotta go, the press is here.”
2. "Now, Lance. After all them kill-o-meters riding around the Frog's countryside, you sure you didn't see any stash of WMDs? I just know that Chirac is planning somethin', and I say, 'Bring it on, Frenchie!'......hello?...Lance?...hello?"
3. “Now, Lance, I just want to make sure you're still on board for this fall. Since you're from Bush Country and all, I could sure use someone as inispiritational as you out on the campaign trail. Just make sure you don't mention that you're dating one of them dadgum Hollywood liberal rock stars, and definitely steer clear of the fact that you spend 8 months of every year in France. In fact, Karl says that if anybody asks, you should tell 'em that the Tour De France takes place in Florida. Don't worry, Jeb'll back you up.”