Clap If You Believe In Fairies Edition - by Karina

Barack Obama introduces the world to his imaginary friend, who is still a better running mate than Sarah Palin.

RIM (Reactionaries In Motion) Job Edition

"Well, I'll be....is this one of those Blueberry things I invented? Pretty impressive. I actually dreamed these up when I was being tortured in Vietnam. You're all aware I was tortured, right? Because I was, so I deserve to be President. And if you don't like it you can move to Canada. And we all know Canada sucks because they sure as hell never gave the world anything as miraculous as a Blueberry."

He's Not Old, He's "Experienced" Edition

"My friends, I think we can all agree that this is no time to 'panic' or 'lose our shit' over the economy. Why, when I look at the present situation it seems perfectly obvious to me that the 'fundamentals' of the economy are strong. And by 'fundamentals' I am of course referring to Cindy's account balances and investment portfolio."

Lipstick On A Pig Edition

"We come not to praise the idea of a civil, high-minded campaign focusing on the issues, but to bury it."

Through A Scanner Darkly Edition

Preparations for John McCain's acceptance speech at the Republican National Convention shifted into high gear Thursday as a local homeless man was brought in to ensure that the Republicans' reality distortion filter was polished to a high sheen.  After a few minutes of work, he was asked what he thought of the Republicans' economic policy and replied, "I really think they have the best interests of me and other working Americans in mind."  He was then given a rifle and shipped to the Middle East to defend freedom.

Hit Me With That Rhythm Stick Edition

Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean brought a visual aid to the party's debate on how hard to hit John McCain.

His Favorite Album Is Fables Of The Reconstruction Edition

"Now, I don't know if y'all have been following the news, but this sitchy-ayshun with Russia and Georgia is just gittin outta hand. At least that's what Condi says, anyway. And it's like I've told my good buddy Putin, invading a sovereign country is just plain ol' unacceptable in the 21st century. And what's his excuse? He's defendin' the freedom of the separatists? Come on, who's gonna believe some cockamamie flim flam like that for an invasion! Next thing you know he's going to be standing in front of giant Russian flags telling us the Georgians got Dubya-Em-Dees! Ever-body know the only things they got in Georgia are peaches and R.E.M., and Michael Stipe sure as hell don't look like he could be a threat to anyone."