Scientific Evidence Edition

1. Flora-Biologists today reached a major breakthrough as they were finally able to prove without a shadow of a doubt that "Everything" does NOT in fact, "comes up Roses."
2. Miracle scent created - "special" flowers used in front of the White House private garden bathroom.

The Chairman of the Bored Edition

1. "And now....the end is near....and so I face.....the final curtain......."
2. (fffbbbbbb) “Anyone got a tissue? I'm afraid to set my ass-cheek back down.”
3. "So then, the Rabbi says to the duck..."

When In Doubt, Change the Subject Edition

1. “Dubya-MD, Schmubya-MD, can we talk about something important here, people? Like, seriously, what was up with Nicole Kidman's outfit at the Golden Globes?”
2. "Folks, there's trouble right here in River City, I said trouble and that starts with a capital 'T', which rhymes with 'P' and that stands for pool"
3. "Wha happen? I can't do my work!"
4. (sound of throat clearing). “Mi mi mi mi mi....la la la la la la lala.......There's no business, like show business, like no business I know” (and jazz hands two three four)

Your Powers Are Weak Edition

“You do not need to see any proof of WMDs." (interior monologue): Damn, worked for Obi-Won.

"You don't want to vote for Kerry, Dean, or Edwards. These aren't the candidates you're looking for."

Sing a Song of Liberty Edition

(singing) "It takes two terms baby, yeah, it takes two-ooo, babaaay, to make your dreams come true, do do-do do!"

Karnak the Magnificent Edition

1. "Wait, it is coming to me. Yes, I see it now. Is there someone in the crowd who doesn't like me very much?"
2. "I'm sorry everyone. I'm just a little emotional that 'Sex and the City' is going off the air. Boy do I hope Carrie ends up with Big."

Out of the Mouths of Babes

1. "I like to whisper, too!"
2. “Don't pick your nose. It can cause brain damage. I did that and look how I turned out.”
3. "What's that? Your cheese-eating surrender-monkey parents say that you can probably beat me in a spelling-bee, little girl?? Well, then I say 'bring it on'!"
4. "...and that's why you should always vote Republican, little girl, because if you don't, the terrorists will come and kill you."

Dawn of the Dead Edition

1. Clearly confused and possibly drugged-up with Republican blood money, Ralph Nader launched his 2004 campaign to again screw the nation out of any chance for regime change.
2. Restored to (relative) health and vitality by an ancient pagan blood rite, Ralph Nader dragged his cadaverous visage in front of the media to announce that he is, in fact, Satan.

Big Brother Is Watching You

1. "I know you ain't talking about my momma!?!?"
2. "So, little girl, or should I say Amy P. Farnsworth of 123 Maple Drive, height 4'2", weight approximately 60 lbs., with a star-shaped birthmark on the inside of your fourth toe on your left foot, who received three My Little Ponies and one Barbie Dream House for Christmas last year, Attorney General Ashcroft tells me you've been checking out books on Islam from the library lately. If you'll just go with these nice FBI agents here, we'll have you down in Gitmo, uh, I mean, we can clear this whole misunderstanding up right away. Remember, Amy, you're either with us or you're with the terrorists."
3. “Hey, little girl, do I need a tic tac?”

Hip Hop Hooray Edition

“All the b****es in the heezy throw your hizzands in the air! Where my nizzles at, motherfizzles! We gonna get all diplomatic on yo' a$$, fo' shizzle!”

Could I Have A Volunteer From the Audience Edition

1. Instead of the standard "rabbit ears" placed behind a colleague's head for company pictures, Denizen # 4 opted for the "devil horns and alien antennae" look in this photo-op when unusually jovial Overlord Cheney allowed him in his evil presence.
2. Cheney: Who here wants to s*** my d***? There'll be a no-bid Iraq Reconstruction contract in it for you.
   Halliburton Executive: Oooh ooh! Pick me, pick me!

Raising Red Flags Edition

Flag handlers at the White House raised the appropriate pennant Monday morning following the President's weekend-long ghetto crack-binge.

Good to be the Governor Edition

1. (interior monologue) "Can't...think...mesmerized...by...shiny...buttons...."
2. (interior monologue) “Purple Heart, hmph, I could take him.”
3. (interior monologue) “If I had him killed, would anyone notice?”
4. “That's right, I am the Commander-in-Chief, which means your ass is mine, bee-yotch.”
5. (interior monologue) “My uniform didn't look like that at my weekend get-away with Daddy's Texas National Guard.”
6. (interior monologue) “I don't have a freakin' clue what this guy is sayin'. Who am I kiddin'? I don't even know who this clown is. Ahhh, it's good to be the Governor.”
7. “I'm funny? Funny how? Like a clown? Do I amuse you? How am I funny, you @#$%&!?!?”
8. “You say one more big word I don't understand like 'objective' and I am going to ship your ass to a lovely studio cement apartment in Tukirt.”
9. (interior monologue) “Someone farted. And I'm pretty sure it wasn't me.”
10. “You talkin' to me? 'Cause I don't see nobody else here.”

Deer in the Headlights Edition

1. White House officials announced today that President Bush's frontal-lobe lobotomy was a complete success.
2. “My fellow Americans, I am stoned to the bajeezus right now.”
3. “Sigh. I don't want any of this. I'd rather...just....sing.........”
4. Due to ongoing security concerns, it has been announced that President Bush will be replaced at press conferences with a highly realistic wax dummy, specially built by Madame Tussaud's workshop in London. No significant differences are expected to be noticed once Operation Dummy begins in early 2004.

iPOTUS Edition

1. "Oh my little pretty one, my pretty one. When you gonna give me some Ariel Sharona? Oh you make my motor run, my motor run...My, My, My,...WHOA, damn! Why Karl make me take off those dern training wheels?"
   
2. "Straight outta Austin, crazy motherf*cker named Dubya
   From the gang called Republican Guvernas
   When I'm called off, I got a sawed off
   Squeeze the trigger, and bodies are hauled off
   You too, boy, if ya fuck with me
   The police are gonna hafta come and get me...."