Caption Compendium_112_0001

Historical Throwback Edition

1. "What's that? You mean I can lose my qualifiedication to fly this durn plane, not show up for darn-near two years, snort all the coke I want, have my dad get me into Harvard Business School after he got me through Yale with a C average and his buddies pulled strings to get me into the Guard and still be President? And when I run for reelection, all sorts of 'evidence' and 'facts' will come out about how I shirkified my responsimabilities but everyone will still want to vote for me? Well, f@#& this, then, let's party!"
2. People like me. Mamma said so.

The Dark Lord Speaks Edition

“Vote to re-elect George W. Bush, or I'll eat your babies and drink their blood! GRRRRRRR!!!!”

Now I Wanna Sniff Some Glue Edition

With blatant disregard for his fork-tongued advisors' pleas, Governor Shrub still inexplicably arrived at his most recent futile campaign stop with his index finger firmly super-glued to his forehead. When asked what had happened, the "Creampuff of Crawford" mumbled something under his breath about a directional mishap while sniffing model airplane glue.

Who You Callin' Puppet? Edition

1. Governor Shrub grimaces as Vice-Fuhrer Cheney completes yet another pre-press conference ritual that has become the cornerstone of their administration by shoving his hand all the way up his puppet's warmongering oil-grubbing monkey ass.
2. Bush: "Frankly, I don't understand the Amurrican people's continued belief in these shadowy figures hovering over the left shoulder of mah presidency. I am not a puppet, I am not controlled by sinister corporate forces, I make mah own decisions. Why, just the other day I had this great idea to git a bunch of Vietnam vets and have 'em make this commercial about how John Kerry was lyin' about his service in Viet--"
   Cheney: "This press conference is over, ladies and gentlemen. Please disregard everything the President has just said."
   Bush: "Why Dick, I didn't see you standing back there. I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen, I git a little carried away sometimes. I'll do better next time, Dick, just don't put me in the Quiet Room agin."
   Cheney: "Shut up, you idiot, unless you want to choke on a pretzel again!"

November Surprise Edition

1. "Dagnabit, boys! Look harder. I jus' know I dropped them keys to Osama's double-wide around here somewhere. It's the ones that say, 'Do not use until November' on 'em!"
2. "Go forth, my navy-blazered and khaki-slacked legions! Go forth and spread my message across the land! Let George Dubya Bush be a name that strikes fear in the hearts of children everywhere!"

Paging Travis Bickle Edition

"Check it out, guys! That dude's pointin' a gun at me, like this! Way to exercise your Second Amendment rights, bro!"

K-Tel Presents Edition

1. "...that's right, folks, you get all this and more on three, limited-edition 8-Tracks of The Cheneys Sing!, including dozens of all-time treasured favorites. Just listen to Dick and Lynne belt out these hits: We Are the World, their own D.C. take on the theme to "The Beverly Hillbillies", The Beastie Boys' Heart Attack Man, and even a Vice-Presidential rendition of Queen's Stone Cold Crazy. Never before has this offer been available to the public, and supplies are running out fast.! Act before November 2nd and receive a special bonus pamphlet co-authored by the melodic second-couple entitled "Raising a Lesbian Daughter in a Republican World." Don't wait, operators are standing by. Call now!"
2. Dick: “Remember kids, stay in school.”
   Lynne: “Boys don't have babies.”Dick: “And herpes kills dates. Good night!”

If It's Good Enough For Mormons Edition

1. President Shrub recently proposed, drafted and approved legislation all his own to legalize polygamy in the U.S. and then made a surprise power move by wedding long-time maid at the Crawford, TX family ranch, Consuelo Martinez Gonzales Bush, in a small ceremony that included first zombie-wife Laura as maid of honor. Everyone in attendance was given souvenir welding goggles to wear while cooking their very own side of ranch-fed liberal for supper over the open flames of decency and goodness.
2. President Bush, worried about potential injury from accusations he expects to be hurled at him during the upcoming campaign season, today modeled the latest in safety glasses technology. The President, seen here with Saf-T-Specs, Inc., plant manager Conchita O'Hoolihan, told reporters, "If John Kerr-uh thinks he can hurl accusations at me during the campaign, I'm going to be ready for him." When the assembled press tried to explain to the President that Senator Kerry would not literally be throwing things at his head as accusations were just speech, President Bush looked momentarily confused and was then distracted by the glint of the plant's fluorescent lighting off the shiny pen of a reporter in the front row.
3. "Yoko and I will be wearing these glasses for world peace, man, and if you don't like it that's just your bourgeois mentality that the Man has brainwashed you with."

Turn Your Head and Cough Edition

1. "20W/50, sir, perfectly normal grade for a man of your...wait, that can't be right!?!?"
2. “Well, Mr. President, after I finish taking your vitals the proctologist will be right in to see if Senator Kerry did, indeed, f*** your chances of re-election in the ass with his convention speech last week.”
3. A Crawford, Texas volunteer for President Bush's re-election campaign today received the distinguished task of pumping the President full of hot air to replenish his diminished supply.

Go, Lance, Go Edition

1. “Well, as a fellow Texan I just couldn't be any happier. Y'know we're working on some plans for me to go six ter---oh, I gotta go, the press is here.”
2. "Now, Lance. After all them kill-o-meters riding around the Frog's countryside, you sure you didn't see any stash of WMDs? I just know that Chirac is planning somethin', and I say, 'Bring it on, Frenchie!'......hello?...Lance?...hello?"
3. “Now, Lance, I just want to make sure you're still on board for this fall. Since you're from Bush Country and all, I could sure use someone as inispiritational as you out on the campaign trail. Just make sure you don't mention that you're dating one of them dadgum Hollywood liberal rock stars, and definitely steer clear of the fact that you spend 8 months of every year in France. In fact, Karl says that if anybody asks, you should tell 'em that the Tour De France takes place in Florida. Don't worry, Jeb'll back you up.”

The British Are Coming Edition

Supporters vie for a chance to shake Presidential-elect Kerry's hand today after he announced, "Even if we can't get national health care coverage going, America at least needs some form of basic dental coverage...for everyone. I mean, damn?!?!"

We're Pretty Sure That's Bertie Ahern Edition

1. (aside) DOES NOT COMPUTE - OVERLOAD! - WARNING! - INITIATING REALIGNMENT OF FACIAL FEATURES - SUPPRESS VOMIT FUNCTION
2. (aside) Ewwwwww, Guinness and chips breath. Reminds me of when George and I started dating.

Streisand Better Watch Her Back Edition

1. "This is a song that's very special to me, and holds a special place in my heart, which is located in my chest, right about here. And tonight, I'd like to share this very special song with all of you...Memmmmmmorieeeeeeees................"
2. "Okay, here goes: I pledge uh, Lee Gance to the flag, of the United States of Murrika, and for the Republicans, uh, of which I am, one nation under God, undivisionable, with liberty and justice for oil."

The Big Confession Edition

1. "OK, you got me, I confess, I am in fact actually a cyborg built by Halliburton to destroy the human race."
2. "Let's Raise the roof.... that’s right, raise it on up. Hup Hup, now shake it. Shake it like you just don't care..."
3. “And then Saddam came out of his hidey-hole and he was all like, (affects voice of Apu from the Simpsons) ‘Please don't shoot me!’ Boy do I wish we had popped a cap in his ass when we had the chance.”

End of Days Edition

1. "See, we need the Israel-ees there in that shithole when my god comes down and kicks butt on all you liberal sinners. That's what the good book says, or so I've been told."
2. “It was this guy, right here! He's the one who screwed everything up, not me! In fact, uh, I told the CIA to arrest him and they wouldn't do it! Isn't that right, uh, say, pardner, what was yer name agin?”

Ways to Boost Morale Edition

1. "See you in a few years, son...maybe."
2. “Why no, son, I don't believe I will be attending your funeral if'n you don't make it.”

PDA Edition

1. "It's okay Laura, honey, these nice marines are going to take you to Git-, I mean Crawford, for some nice R&R."
2. “George, don't you even think about grabbing my ass right now.”

Mr. Wizard Edition

1. "What? What? You guys think I am making this stuff up?"
2. “...and that's how babies are made. Any other questions?”

Soooooooooooouullllll Train Edition

1. "You put your left hand in and you shake it all about..." Governor Shrub pulled as he unveiled his administration's latest efforts to quell unrest among this election year's swing Republican voters: specifically white people who stand in front of big blue signs.
2. Reports that Pres. Shrub has a body double for important events such as this hog-calling competition were confirmed; furthermore, it is now believed that the double is none other than Eminem, the rap-artist famous for using ethnic slurs as his only means of communication. Indeed, many have a hard time telling the difference between the two.
3. You do the hip hop the hibby to the hibby the hip-hip hop and you don't stop a-rockin' to the bang-bang boogie said up-jump the boogie to the rhythm of the boogity-beat.

Where the Sun Don't Shine Edition

Today Hasbro introduced its newest design of toy monkey where you can stick the thumb into various orifices.

You Can Hear the Ocean Edition

1. Governor Shrub listens gleefully as the universe screams in agony and outrage, while his newly created Cabinet of Denizens from the 7th Level of Hell attempt to amend the Constitution.
2. “Whaddya know? Perot was right about that ‘giant sucking sound’ of jobs being lost!”
3. “Are you there, God? It's me, George. My body hasn't started to change like the other girls', God, and I'm scared.”

Hittin' the Links Edition

1. Bush: “Yeah, I think my good buddy Snoop Dogg said it best. ‘I know a lot about golf, but I know even more about screwing the country over and then ducking responsibility.’"
   Minion: “I think he said he knows more about ‘grass,’ Mr. President.”
   Bush: “Well, I'm just paraphrasin'.”
2. Bush: “Hell, is that Osama's ball over in the trap again?”
   Minion: “Yes, I think it is, Sir.”
   Bush: (giggles) “That crazy camel jockey spends more time in the sand than David Hasselhof. What did I get on that last hole?”
   Minion: “I believe it was an 8, Mr. President.”
   Bush: “I was interferenced with, put me down for a 5.”
   Minion: “Of course, Your Eminence.”
3. Bush: “Yeah, I expect we'll finish up our round here, then my lackey will rub me down with baby oil and ‘service’ me, if you know what I mean. Heh heh heh. Ain't that right, lackey?”
   Lackey: “Yes, master.”
   Bush: “Oooooh, baby. I gets all hot just thinkin' 'bout it.”
4. Earlier today, President Bush toured the Mobile, Alabama headquarters for the US Army's new Generally Overbudget, Light-Framed, Certainly Advanced, and Really Technical vehicle project in one of the project's prototype G.O.L.F.C.A.R.T.'s. The trip marks the president's first documented visit to an Alabama military installation.

The Musical Fruit Edition

1. Bush: Fart noise. (interior monologue): "Ahhhhh."
   Powell (interior monologue): "Good Lord! What the f*ck is Cheney feeding him?!?"
   Rummy (interior monologue): "I think we've found the missing chemical weapons."
2. “George, what did I tell you about eating too much Chipotle….”
3. While Junior obliviously hummed the theme to "Hee Haw" aloud during the 'Dig-up-dirt-on-Kerry' meeting, Rummy silently chanted to the lord of darkness to grant him more evil powers.
4. Bush (interior monologue): Hey! I have a lip. Wow. Good stuff. What are we talking about again?
   Powell (interior monologue): If I have to sit next to Bush one more time, I swear to God I'm gonna freak out. I keep asking to be moved.
   Rummy (interior monologue): Stop cheating off my answers, Dubya! This is a high-stakes WMD Interrogation, not the SAT's, alright?
5. Powell: "I think George had eggs for breakfast."

Someone Had an "Accident" Edition

1. "I think I need to be changed."
2. The Secretary of Sell-out looks on as President Shrub called for a wet-nap after devouring the soul of the country with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.
3. “And then I grabbed Sadaam around the waist and said, ‘you bad boy’ and then tickled him just like this.”

He Can Relate on Their Level Edition

1. "...And the jet was comin' in hot, all out of whack, like this, and the pilot had blacked out and that is when I took over the controls and landed safely on the deck of that aircraft carrier. Now let me tell you about the time me and Rummy T-P'd the Frenchy Embassy."
2. “The fish was about, say, this big.”
3. "When I'm smokin' dope, I go from feeling this tall (the higher hand) to this tall (the shorter hand). And then there's PCP - which I'm on all the time…”
4. "Teacher! Teacher! I gotta go to the potty!"
5. “Check me out as I do the robot, kids. That's right, I've got me some funk too, just like your people.”

Empire Strikes Back Edition

1. President Shrub explains his plan to encase all children in frozen carbonate like Han Solo and unfreeze them when, in his own words, "the dern deficit isn't like, 7 Gazillion bucks."
2. "Now, son, what can I do to get you to leave here today with this here education plan? Tell you what, my manager ain't gonna like this, but I'll throw in a set of whitewalls for ya, no charge."

Just a Rough Estimate Edition

1. "Hey, don't yell at me! You think any of this shit was my idea??"
2. "Well, Bill, if I had to estimate the level of bullshit that will be in the president's State of the Union address, I would have to say that if you picture the overall speech as an object about three feet in length, like so, the bullshit would be approximately two feet, 11 and one half inches, like so."