Suspicious Minds Edition

"...And, uh, over here we have the 'Freedom Suits' that the enemy combatants wear when they go to the tribunal rooms," explained President Bush to Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi on a special VIP, backstage tour of Gitmo-land.

Salt of the Earth Edition

John M. Fabrizi, mayor of Bridgeport, CT (birth state of President Bush) answers questions about where the salaries of governors and presidents go when all their day to day expenses are taken care of by the state.

Propz to the Man Downstairs Edition

Concluding the television interview, renowned born-again Christian George W. Bush blinked his eyes, twitched his head, and then, in a slightly lower voice, gave a shout out to "Mah man Satan" who gives him the strength to do his "works o'wickedness, 'n' such," before winking at an audience member and disappearing in a column of fire. Security representatives on the scene confirmed that the "Decoy Pillar" was merely a new form of presidential security which "bewildered those who have not been chosen." Vice President Dick Cheney's approving grimace was just visible under the hood of his Sith robe. Cheney demurred any questions about the rumored End of Days Act being pushed through the House of Representatives at this time.

Gnashing of Teeth Edition

In the most important news story of the year, Superbowl champion Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback "Big Ben" Roadburger was injured Monday in a motorcycle accident while riding without a helmet. Roadburger's doctor announced to the media that "Big Ben" suffered multiple facial fractures, in addition to several other injuries. However, Dr. Pituch, seen here describing the injuries the 24-year-old Roadburger received, added that he was confident Roadburger would make a full recovery from the severe case of "the stupids" that caused the accident.

In other less important news this week, gas prices remain at an all-time high, several US prisoners at Guantanomo Bay killed themselves in what one Defense Department official called "a PR stunt," President Bush mocked the afflicted, and the Pentagon announced that the US death toll in Iraq had reached 2,500.

Cause you got it made with the guy in shades, OH NO!! Edition

After "needling" an LA Times reporter for wearing sunglasses during a Rose Garden press conference, only to later find out the reporter has Stargardt's disease, a form of macular degeneration that causes progressive vision loss, President Shrub kept up the pressure, and blatantly asked Helen Thomas if she was going to wear her "Oops, I crapped my pants" undergarments while she asked her unanswerable questions.

Pollyanna Edition

"Mah fellow 'Mericans, I am pleased to announce that the death of Al-Sacagawea in Iraq today gives us new hope in our relations with our Middle Eastern subje-, uh, I mean, friends. Why, there's nothing that can stop us from spreadin' freedom and democracy amongst the heathe-, uh, I mean, A-rabs. Except of course our dependence on their oil. And that Osama feller. And Hamas bein' in charge of Palestine. Oh, and that Iranian guy ain't too fond of me neither. And of course the Sunnis, Shiites, and Kurds hate each other. And Saddam is still around. But other than that, it's smooth sailin', yessir."

Liza with a "Z" Edition

1. "My fellow 'Mericans, it is imperatitive that we pass this here anti-gay marriage amendment because ah am the Decider, and ah have decided our great nation cannot afford what ah lahk to call the 'My Two Dads' scenario. 'Cause, seriously y'all, that show was terrible. And if that curly-headed fella can move on from there to marry Helen Hunt, then all these other homo-sexers can learn to straighten up too."
2. "My fellow 'Mericans, it is the will of G-, ah mean, the people of this fahn country, that marriage should be restricted to a man and a woman. And if any heathe-, ah mean fag-, ah mean, uh, anybody has a problem with that, ah encourage dissent and debate about this issue, much like mah administration has on previous occasions. In fact, ah encourage anybody who has anything to say about this, to pick up a phone and tell someone else about it. Y'all don't need to worry 'bout how, just make a call and rest assured ah'll hear about it soon enough."
3. "...as I have indicatured before, 'Merica is a stronger nation today. Why, only a few weeks back, our citizens were still under constant attack from those forces, that were, um, opposable to the true 'Merican way of life and to our freedoms. I can't be clearer on this point, now that 'Will & Grace' is over, it is my duty as your leader to ensure that kinda sissy stuff isn't shown in prime-time again!"