Gnashing of Teeth Edition

In the most important news story of the year, Superbowl champion Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback "Big Ben" Roadburger was injured Monday in a motorcycle accident while riding without a helmet. Roadburger's doctor announced to the media that "Big Ben" suffered multiple facial fractures, in addition to several other injuries. However, Dr. Pituch, seen here describing the injuries the 24-year-old Roadburger received, added that he was confident Roadburger would make a full recovery from the severe case of "the stupids" that caused the accident.

In other less important news this week, gas prices remain at an all-time high, several US prisoners at Guantanomo Bay killed themselves in what one Defense Department official called "a PR stunt," President Bush mocked the afflicted, and the Pentagon announced that the US death toll in Iraq had reached 2,500.