Matlock Edition

Senator McCain, showing that he is in touch with the needs of his constituents, made the following announcement today: "My fellow Americans, not only will I provide $300 million for a new automotive battery, but.....wait for it......I will pass legislation making annual visits from your grandkids mandatory! Now who wants some of these Werther's Originals here?"

My Future's So Bright I Gotta Wear Shades Edition

President Bush, in Florida to attend Republican Party fundraisers Friday, departed via Air Force One as the United States' prospects under a McCain presidency appeared in the background.

Sometimes the "Jokes" Write Themselves Edition

The American Red Cross announced today that it was finally ready to tackle head-on the greatest disaster in our nation's history and that concerned citizens can send donations here.

This Is What It Sounds Like When Doves Cry Edition

"Now, look, y'all. Ah know there is a perception out there in the minds of some of y'all Yerr-peens that ah lahk violence. And that couldn't be more wronger. Now, did ah lead my country into an unnecessary war that could very well have disastrous consequences for us all? Well, sure. Did ah think it was awesome when Dick shot that guy in the face? Who didn't? Did ah get a boner watching that cell phone video of Saddam gittin' strung up, Old-School-Texas-Justice-Style? Of course ah did, even bigger than the one ah got looking at them modelling photos of the French First Lady over there. Sorry, where were we goin' with this?"

"Will this thing buff my loafers?" Edition

While in Europe this week, President Bush admitted that his use of phrases such as "bring them on" and "dead or alive" had "indicated to people that I was, you know, not a man of peace." The gathered throng of reporters asked the self-declared "War President" to speak up, because while the plumage on Napoleonic military hats resembles a microphone, it does NOT, in any way, amplify total bullshit.

Looky Chairms Edition

1. "Mr. President, do you have any reaction to Representative Kucinich's introduction of Articles of Impeachment on the House floor yesterday?"
   
   "Kucinich? Why would I be worried about that? Don't y'all know leprechauns ain't real?"
   
   
2. "Mr. President, do you have any reaction to Representative Kucinich's introduction of Articles of Impeachment on the House floor yesterday?"
   
   "Yeah, did y'all know that cookie-baking elf's trophy bride has her tongue pierced? I mean, GAWDDAMN!! I tried to get Laura to get one, too, but she is such a stick in the mud these days. It sure ain't the Clinton-years round here no more."

Someone Needs To Buy A Better Mailing List Edition

So the other night was basically Christmas come early because I received in the mail the following letter from my good friends at the Republican National Committee:









That's right, I was among the select group of Republicans chosen to help set the direction of the party. Not only that, but apparently my responses would be recorded for all Republicans in my area. Now, discounting the fact that this is complete direct mail marketing bullshit (but, oh, how I wish it were true), there is one monumental problem with this. I am not, nor have I ever been, a registered Republican.

I have no idea how my name got on this mailing list, but this is actually the second time I have received one of these mailings. The first time was during the 2004 election, but one of my cats barfed on the survey before I could fill it out. I thought about mailing it back anyway, but decided not to. Maybe that's why I received it again this election cycle? In any case, the questions on this thing were so funny I just had to scan it and post it here. After I filled it out, of course. And right before I put it in the return envelope and dropped it in my mailbox. Now, the real question will be whether I'll get included on the mailing list in 2012. Once they see which option I filled in for Question 3 under the "Republican Party" section I have a feeling my further participation will be deemed unnecessary.

Survey page 1, including sections on Homeland Security, Economic, Domestic, and Social Issues:


Page 2, including sections on Defense Issues and Republican Party: