Clap If You Believe In Fairies Edition - by Karina

Barack Obama introduces the world to his imaginary friend, who is still a better running mate than Sarah Palin.

RIM (Reactionaries In Motion) Job Edition

"Well, I'll be....is this one of those Blueberry things I invented? Pretty impressive. I actually dreamed these up when I was being tortured in Vietnam. You're all aware I was tortured, right? Because I was, so I deserve to be President. And if you don't like it you can move to Canada. And we all know Canada sucks because they sure as hell never gave the world anything as miraculous as a Blueberry."

He's Not Old, He's "Experienced" Edition

"My friends, I think we can all agree that this is no time to 'panic' or 'lose our shit' over the economy. Why, when I look at the present situation it seems perfectly obvious to me that the 'fundamentals' of the economy are strong. And by 'fundamentals' I am of course referring to Cindy's account balances and investment portfolio."

Lipstick On A Pig Edition

"We come not to praise the idea of a civil, high-minded campaign focusing on the issues, but to bury it."

Through A Scanner Darkly Edition

Preparations for John McCain's acceptance speech at the Republican National Convention shifted into high gear Thursday as a local homeless man was brought in to ensure that the Republicans' reality distortion filter was polished to a high sheen.  After a few minutes of work, he was asked what he thought of the Republicans' economic policy and replied, "I really think they have the best interests of me and other working Americans in mind."  He was then given a rifle and shipped to the Middle East to defend freedom.