You're Number One Edition

"Mr. President, how are negotiations going with Iran regarding their nuclear program?"
"I have just three words for Mr. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Sit. And. Spin."

I'm Looking at the Man in the Mirror Edition

"I'm tellin' y'all, someone has got to get into Lebanon and stabilitize the situation there. I mean, have y'all seen some of the crazy things the Israelis have to put up with over there? And let me just issue this warning...my team and ah have been monitoring the situation in Middle East quite closely for some time now, and if we ever find out who the heck has been going in over there and de-stabilitizing the region, we are going to take them out. You can run, de-stabilitizers, but you can't hide."

Inverse Relationship to Approval Ratings Edition

After the flight terror alert level was raised to "red" for the first time ever today, US travellers experienced long wait times and often confusing restrictions on what items they were allowed to bring with them in carry-on luggage. Mr. John Smith of Fort Wayne, Indiana, seen here waiting to board his flight, described having his bottled water, shampoo, iPod, and laptop removed from his carry-on luggage and placed in his checked suitcase.

Thar She Blows Edition

Reporter: "Mr. President, Prime Minister Blair has been very active during the current crisis, as has Secretary of State Rice. How would you rate her work on Hezbollah?"
Bush: "Well, I can't speak fer Tony, but from personal experience I can tell y'all that Condi here's got a real soft touch. She is a peni--, a pianister--, uh, a piano player after all. And the way she starts off by working the shaft a little, like so, before she just gently cups the ol' oil reserves down there, well, ah'll tell y'all, Jed Clampett ain't never found near as much Texas T as ol' Condi here."

Don't Rush The Important Decisions Edition

While taking questions on the Israel-Lebanon crisis during a press conference today, President Bush wondered whether Reggie Bush would get enough carries while sharing a backfield with Deuce McAllister to make him worth a second round pick in the upcoming White House Fantasy Football League draft.