"WWWWHHHHHHYYYYYY?!?!?!?!?!?! Why doesn't anything ah try to do ever work out?!?!?!!?!" wailed President Bush during a speech today, after being questioned once again on the failure of the Iraq War, the economy, the environment, Bill O'Reilly on Letterman, and attempts to reunite the Spice Girls.
President Bush demonstrated his mighty powers of black magic during a speech at Kansas State University today, hurling a fireball at an audience member who questioned him about the NSA domestic surveillance program while moving calmly on to the next question.
Vice President Dick Cheney returned to his secure undisclosed location today, following a brief hospitalization due to breathing difficulties. Mr. Cheney, who has suffered from a variety of health problems during his time in office, was outfitted by doctors with an experimental suit that will regulate all of his bodily functions, enabling him to continue the vital work of defrauding the American people and enriching his former company, Halliburton. Asked by reporters as he exited the hospital if he thought the appearance of the suit belied a joke at his expense by his doctors, the Vice President responded, "NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOoooooo!!!!!!! Now go f*** yourself."
