They Shocked Santa's Balls Edition

Saddam Hussein, alleging torture at the hands of his American captors in court today, tried to downplay his own reputation: "I mean, sure, I might have shocked some people's balls, but these bastards made me watch 'Live with Regis & Kelly' videos for hours! Then they gave me this cheap-ass suit to wear in court and put photos of me changing clothes in my cell on the internet. That kind of thing really hurts a guy's reputation."

Deficit Reduction Edition

1. FOR SALE: Capitol Building, approximately 200 years old, well-maintained. Underwent major renovations in 1994 and 2000. Current owners also occupy large white house nearby and have deemed this property unnecessary. Reasonable offers will be considered. Please contact the seller's agent, R.B. Cheney, at Secure Undisclosed Location, or by phone at (555) GOF-USLF.
   
2. After viewing the scale 1:100 mockup of the Capitol Building shown here while touring at Legoland's "Mini-World" recently, a clearly confused, and obviously inept, President Bush asked how they could promote all those "happy little yellow-faced smilin' Americans" to take over some minority seats in Congress.
   

Hot Seat Edition

"Ha ha, ya missed me, suckers!" yelled President Bush as he dodged questions regarding torture, Iraq, and the NSA spying on the American people from the White House Press Pool today.

It Ain't Lyin' If It's Me Edition

"Ah condemn all them regimes that do torture and that spy on their own citizens and bully other countries and fix their elections and develop weapons of mass destructions and operate above innernational law. And Ah vow to nukeyer ever single onna them countries that's like that. So, uh, Ah'll be in mah bunker fer the next 3 years while you folks enjoy the new Nukular Free Skies Act."

Compromising Position Edition

Bush: "So let me make sure I got this here compromised torture ban we cooked up straight, McCain ol' pal. We can electrocute nipples but not genitals, we can spit on the Ko-ran but not piss on it in front of the Muslim prisoners, and any beatings we administer can't leave a mark."
McCain: "That's correct, Mr. President, but don't forget that any of these activities have to occur in top secret Eastern European prisons run by the CIA, not on American soil."
Bush: "Pardner, you got yerself a deal!"

Let it Snow, Let it Snow Edition

1. "Glow-ball Warning, my ass!" mocked Junior as he waved his nearly frozen hand after packing several snowballs and hurling them at stupified reporters who questioned the administration's failure to yet again join the rest of the universe in extending the Kyoto Agreement through 2012.
2. "Forecast for the White House tonight: blizzard warning with a 100% chance of snow. It's gonna be a White Christmas, y'all. Yee-haw!" shouted President Bush to reporters as he left to tour the DEA's seized drug storage facility.
3. "I sent a million holiday cards this year, an' yeah, I'muh Christian and I love Jesus and I know who got me in the White House, but damn, you gripers, there are like, 5 religions in the US and I cain't afford to alienize any wunna them by puttin 'Murry Christmas' on muh cards! Have you seen my numbers? They look like my hand!"

Not Torture Per Se Edition

1. The US denied reports in the European media today that it had held terrorism suspects in secret European prisons for the purposes of torturing them. Vice President Dick Cheney, responding to reports that this photo of Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice was shown to detainees to induce them to talk, called the accusations, "Retarded. Now go f*** yourself."
2. “Who, us? Torture people? We’d never do anything like that. This is the great land that welcomes people…this is America!” Responded Secretary Rice. Aside to Secret Service agent: ”Who is that reporter? Get their name and let’s give them a trip to the salt pit.”