Reading is Fundamental Edition

"I think y'all need to take a closer look at this new intelligence report on the Iran. I mean, yeah, it says they stopped their noo-queue-lur weapon program a few years back, but I'll tell you what, mah administration sees that for what it is: a warning signal. I view this report as a warning signal that they had the program, they halted the program. The reason why it's a warning signal is they could restart it. What's to say they couldn't start another covert noo-queue-lur weapons program? We got a saying in Texas, you keep pokin' a hornet's nest, like so, yer gonna git stung. And y'all know I cain't leave well enough alone."

Do You Like Gladiator Movies? Edition

Idaho Senator Larry Craig, in an effort to set the record "straight," spoke with reporters today from his Senate office. "Look, I am not gay, I have never been gay," the senator said, "I did nothing wrong at the Minneapolis airport. Because if checking out a fine piece of tail through the crack in the stall door for two minutes, then soliciting said tail through an elaborate system of luggage placement, foot taps, and hand gestures is wrong, then I don't wanna be right."

Miss South Carolina Edition

"Mr. President, recent polls have shown a fifth of Americans can’t locate the U.S. on a world map. Why do you think this is?”
“I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uhmmm, some people out there in our nation don’t have maps and uh, I believe that our, I, education like such as uh, South Africa, and uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uhhh, our education over here in the US should help the US, uh, should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for us.”

Apocalypse Now Redux Edition

"My fellow Americans, I will try to summarize why my party and I 'torpedoed' the Senate proposal to begin withdrawing troops from Iraq. We simply have the best interest of our next generation of political leaders at heart. After all, if myself and the rest of my generation of politicians couldn't waste most of our time and campaign rhetoric bickering about who did or didn't do what during Vietnam, we'd be forced to actually address the real problems facing our nation. By ensuring that our country remains bogged down in yet another pointless conflict we are securing that same right for those who will succeed us one day. And I don't know about all of you, but an America where politicians are expected to do real work on behalf of those who elected them is not an America I want to live in. Thank you, and God Bless America."

Hustle & Flow Edition

"...and then he says, 'Is Wayne Brady gonna have to choke a bitch?' Heh heh heh. Ah, man, it's funny 'cause it's true."

Apply Directly to Forehead Edition

"Look, when y'all ask me these tough questions that I ain't got perpared answers for, it hurts real bad, right in this general region. Kinda like I drank a Slurpee too fast or something. Y'all ever get that?"

Overachiever Edition

"Look, y'all, I don't see why y'all've got yer panties in a bunch about our Iraq Progress Report. We said we're making satisfactory progress on 8 out of 18 initiatives, which is an outstanding 44%. Hell, that's like an F, F+. Those kinds of grades will get you through Yale and Harvard Business School."

The Great Dictator Edition

"Gaaawd dang! Georgy-boy, where's that finger been? Hooo-eeeey. That is ripe. I mean the liberal media keeps telling me where my thumb has been, wonder if they know about Stinky here, too."

How Do You Spell Relief? Edition

Homeland Security Director Michael Chertoff met with reporters today to further clarify his "gut feeling" that Al-Qaeda was poised to attack the U.S. again later this summer. "I just want to let everyone know that my announcement the other day, while not based on any intelligence or evidence, was absolutely based on the fact that I judged the Department of Homeland Security's Annual Chili Cook-Off the day before. After a few days of popping antacid tablets and some heavy-duty fiber, I am feeling much better now. Sorry for any irrational fear I may have caused. We at the Department of Homeland Security will now be returning to our very important jobs of not securing our nation's ports, airports, borders, postal system, customs inspection stations, interstate highways and bike paths."

I Beg Your Pardon Edition

Vice President Dick "Psychotic Evil Cyborg Bastard" Cheney was caught yesterday by White House press photographers doing his happy dance outside the Oval Office, moments after delivering the order to President George "Retarded Sock Puppet" Bush to commute former Chief of Staff Lewis "I Need A Grownup Nickname" Libby's prison sentence after an appeals court ruled "Scooter" had to start serving his prison term immediately. Asked for his reaction to the stunning development in Libby's case, Vice President Cheney responded, "I think the President agreed with me and everyone else who's opinion matters that expecting someone who broke the law and was convicted by a jury to actually serve the punishment handed out by some activist judge is ridiculous and excessive. Don't like it? Go fuck yourself."

Warning: Science Content Edition

1. "My fellow 'Mericans, I thought long and hard about whether or not I should veto this bill that would fund baby-killers, but I didn't want to make this a moral issue. So, after consulting with these nice folks here, who Karl says are the last 4 Americans that actually agree with mah policies and support me unconditionally, I remembered that I am the Decider and can do whatever I want. So the rest of y'all can suck it."
2. In yet another blatant bitch-slap to the face of logic, President Born-Again decided to protect hypothetically potential life of harvested embryos by limiting research funding which would undoubtedly help cure diseases that kill millions of actual real people each year. When asked for comment on this apparent dichotomy, Bush said, "Well, while I have some of the Indigo Girls' music, I just can't support their lifestyle choices."
   
   

The Definition of Insanity Edition

Vice President Cheney re-asserted a link between Al-Qaeda and Saddam Hussein's now-deposed Iraqi government again today, despite overwhelming evidence that no link actually existed. When asked about his apparent refusal to accept facts, Cheney invited reporters on a special "hunting trip" he was planning for key members of the Washington media, Pentagon leadership, and intelligence services.

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."
-- Benjamin Franklin

Happy Anniversary, Mr. President! Edition

President Bush, in a statement aimed at Congressional Democrats on the fourth anniversary of the Iraq War, urged patience and the passage of a "clean" funding bill with no troop withdrawal requirements. He added, "I realize some of y'all are new to this whole 'Congress thing,' so let me spell it out for you. I'm the 'Decider.' I tell y'all what I want and you go and do it. It's kind of a rubber stamp thing. And don't talk to me about the Constitution and checks and balances, I've had 'Berto look it up for me and he says it's in there, right after the part about how torture is okay if it don't take place on 'Merican soil and how people who protest against the President must be rounded up and put in special 'Freedom Camps.' Uh, I mean that last part hypodermically, of course."

And He Spake Unto Them Edition

1. After the Dems threatened to limit Presidential Iraq jurisdiction someone heard GW mutter, "Don't make me use my stuff on ya' baby."
2. "...and now a reading from the Book of Armaments: '20,000 shall be the number of the surge, and the number of the surging shall be 20,000. Thou shalt not send 17,000, nor 18,000, nor 19,000, unless they be but part of the 20,000. 21,000 is right out. And yea, when thou hast sent thy 20,000, thy foes, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.'"