Deer in the Headlights Edition

1. White House officials announced today that President Bush's frontal-lobe lobotomy was a complete success.
2. “My fellow Americans, I am stoned to the bajeezus right now.”
3. “Sigh. I don't want any of this. I'd rather...just....sing.........”
4. Due to ongoing security concerns, it has been announced that President Bush will be replaced at press conferences with a highly realistic wax dummy, specially built by Madame Tussaud's workshop in London. No significant differences are expected to be noticed once Operation Dummy begins in early 2004.